Curse Inside Recess Days

I hate inside recess days more than just about anything. In fact, I dare you to come up with something that I hate more than inside recess days. They are terrible! Not only do I not get the time away from the kids which is really needed, but I don't get time for lunch. Also, the kids get way too crazy and cooped up and it is literally impossible to teach anything. The kids can't stay focused on anything and it just makes for a really long day.

We had 3 inside recess days this week, and I can't say enough how glad I am it's Friday! This week was way too long and I'm sure the weekend won't be long enough.

Prayers

I have this friend named Megan who is about ten years older than me. I met her when I was in Young Women and she was my only "young and cool" leader. After I turned 18, I was asked to go to Girls' Camp as a leader and that's where I really got to know Megan and consider her a friend. She is one of the most spiritually in-tune people I have ever met but not in an annoying way if you know what I mean. She isn't condescending but genuine and sincere.

She has been trying to start a family with her husband for some time now. They have been married, I want to say close to 8 years and for the past 6 or so they have been trying to conceive. Megan had several miscarriages but last year, in 2008, she got some really great news. She was chosen by a mother to adopt a baby boy! Everyone was so excited for her. The news got even better when a couple of weeks later she found out she was pregnant...with twins! She decided that three babies at around the same age would be difficult, so she informed the mother that she would not be adopting her child.

Megan's pregnancy was considered high-risk, not only because she had had so many miscarriages but also because she was having a multiple birth. After several weeks of an emotional roller coaster, the worst thing happened. She gave birth to her twins when they were only 20 weeks along. One was a still-birth and the other, she was able to hold for an hour before she died.

My heart grieved for my friend. If anyone should ever be a mother, it was her. She was such an example to me and even though I knew she was engulfed in sorrow, she was still able to see some good. Yes, at times, she may have just said those things without believing them, but even to pretend to see the good when you are experiencing so much pain is commendable. I kept in touch with her and often prayed for her and her husband in their trying time.

A couple of days ago, she posted on her blog some very exciting news. She again was chosen to adopt a baby boy. She has known since August, but didn't want to share with the world until she felt it was right. The baby is due in 5 weeks and we couldn't be happier for her. Finally, she is going to be the mother that she has always wanted to be. But that's not all. As it sometimes goes with fate, she found out only ten days after receiving the news that she would adopt that she was again pregnant. Again, she didn't tell anyone for fear of the worst. She is definitely going to still adopt this baby boy in January, for which I am incredibly glad.

It still makes me nervous, however. This experience is almost identical to the situation she found herself in last summer. I want to shout for joy for her, but I am hesitant to do so for fear that she would lose one or both of them again. Her situation is the only one where I feel less than optimistic. I don't know why. It's not even my life, but I am just so scared for her. I want this to be the end of sadness for her. It kills me every time I think about all that she has experienced and I just want it to be over for her.

So, even though you may not know her, keep her in your prayers. She's very deserving of them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. I am in Utah and will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my grandparents and my siblings. I am thankful for family and I am especially thankful for how close we all live so we can spend time with each other often!

Stuff

A lot has been on my mind lately. It's not necessarily deep or profound, but it's just a lot of stuff. Stuff that preoccupies my mind 24/7.

I just finished my first trimester of teaching but it just hit me today that I just finished my first trimester of teaching! I am a third of the way done and I'm not so sure I know what my kids have learned in 12 weeks of school. I'm feeling a little nervous that the end of the year is going to come around and my kids won't have improved. At my school, testing is weighed heavily. Not only do we take the CRT like the rest of the state, but we are also piloting a new test that the kids take every fall, winter and spring. I like this new test much better than the end of the year one because it actually measures progress so teachers can use the data to help their teaching. I know I shouldn't stress over tests because more often than not, they don't actually measure what a student knows, but it's hard being a first year teacher and having that kind of pressure. Anyway, I'm sure my students will improve some, but I just worry.

I am in dire need of this break coming up. I feel like it is a lot easier to get burned out now than it ever used to be. I teach three full weeks of school, and I feel like I'm done and in need of some rest. It's crazy how time-consuming one job can be. This Thanksgiving was supposed to be a "Farr" Thanksgiving because last year we had it with Derek's family, but a couple of weeks ago, my mom said that she and Matt were going to California to be with Matt's parents. We're still going to see Doug, Heather, Tyler, Chelsea and the kids, but it's kind of funny how we are trying to set it all up so we can all be on the same track, and then my mom of all people goes and switches everything. She's always sad when she can't be with us because we are celebrating a holiday with our in-laws, yet when we are planning to do it with her, she bails.

Tomorrow at school, we are having a Thanksgiving feast. I'm super excited about it. At first, I thought I was going to have to spend a lot of money out-of-pocket because I figured not very many parents could bring food, but I was pleasantly surprised. I'm pretty sure we are going to have about 5-6 pies, turkey, cheese, vegetables, rolls, apple juice, apples, muffins, and popcorn. All I have to bring is cool whip! I'm just excited because we are going to eat and tell one thing each of us is thankful for. It's really going to be a fun day.

I'm getting really excited for the Christmas holiday. I'm just ready to start doing all of the fun Christmasy things. I usually get annoyed at people who start getting ready for Christmas before Thanksgiving is over, but this year, I have been ready for Christmas since before Halloween. I don't know what it is, but I've wanted to pull out the Christmas music and start decorating. I've withheld my urges because I still think it's a tad too soon, but I must say I am more ready for Christmas this year than I have ever been.

I got suckered into singing in church on Sunday. Luckily it's a trio so I don't have to do a solo, but I'm still wondering why I said yes.

That's life for now.

Read-a-thon

Today is the last day of the first trimester. That means that I have been a teacher for 1/3 of an entire school year. I can't even believe it. It has flown by, and I know it will just go quicker because the holidays are coming up and once we get back from Christmas break, there will only be one month left until the 2nd trimester is over!

I wanted to celebrate with my kids today because since it's the last day of the trimester, it also means it is the last day for my kids to turn in their assignments. None of my students failed any of the classes (it is actually kind of surprising, because the district requires us to give 4th graders hard-core grades...it's kind of ridiculous), so I decided to do a read-a-thon. When the idea was first given to me, I thought it wouldn't really be a celebration because they'd be reading, but the kids loved it. I let them bring pillows, blankets, and food, and we just read the entire day! It was so much fun. I had the kids write down how many pages they read and I am going to be giving some prizes for most pages read. I think the best part about it was that I got to sit and read the whole day too! Super fun!

Baby Brady?

On Thursday, October 22nd at 12:12 p.m. my family was introduced to quite a surprise! We were expecting my sister-in-law, Heather, to have birth to a baby girl, but instead, we got a boy! She spent her entire pregnancy thinking it was a girl (the doctor said she was 100% positive it was a girl) and so she had EVERYTHING pink! And, Heather is not the type to put her newborn kids in anything that hasn't been washed, so she took all the tags off the clothes and washed them all! Pretty sweet!

It was definitely a surprise but we are extremely excited to have a new nephew. It took Doug and Heather the entire pregnancy to come up with a name for a girl (she was going to be named Lily) so they have had quite a difficult time coming up with a name for a boy. At first, it was going to be Ryan. Then, I suggested McKay (I just went through all the names of boys in my class and put them out there) and that was going to be the name for awhile. Now, it's Brady. But who knows? The kid is two days old, there's a lot of time to change it! :)

My niece, Emily and nephew, Colby (the siblings) have been really funny about the whole situation. At first, Emily was really mad. She locked herself in her room (she's 4) and wouldn't talk to anyone. She thought that mom and dad had tricked her by telling her it was a boy instead of a girl. She was really upset, especially because she had already divided up all of her bows and dresses to share with the baby! Colby, on the other hand, was pretty happy about having another boy around. After Emily had had a couple of hours to digest the information, she was still upset. She didn't like any of the names that Doug and Heather suggested but she just wanted another Colby. When told that they already had a Colby, she said that she wanted two Colby's. Colby then piped up and said, "Yeah, two Colby's!" Then, Emily got to the point where she said she would love the baby, but she wouldn't talk to him when he got older! After Doug and Heather and the baby came home, everything changed, though. Emily adores the baby and can't get enough of him. She wants to hold him all the time, help change his diaper, etc. It is really quite cute how she has reacted to the whole thing.

Well, hopefully some pictures to come! We are so happy to have a new baby nephew!

It Feels Good!

I guess it's about time that I update this thing seeing how it's been a couple of weeks. Here are a couple of highlights from school since then:

1. My students are starting to see that I mean business so I can start to relax a bit more and I don't have to feel so mean. They know when they need to be working and what I expect of them, so I have more time to have a good time with them during those times when they don't need to be working too hard.

2. I was officially observed on my birthday and even though I never got my official scores, she had a lot of nice things to say to me! She even came in unofficially yesterday while my kids were taking a test and said that she had never seen a class so quiet before. They were taking a test and I told them if they talked, they would have to come in at recess and take it with me then, but still, it was a very nice compliment.

3. Derek got to come and meet my kids on his day off last week. They asked him a lot of funny questions, some of them a little embarrassing for me (What do you like most about Mrs. Lee? Why do these kids want to know that...) but it was fun for Derek to get to meet them. Then, we all went outside and spent about thirty minutes playing capture the flag. Boys against girls. The boys won the first two rounds and then when Derek got recruited to the girls' team and I went to the boys' team, Derek got a victory for the girls! It was really fun and I like that the kids have met him. It makes it a little more fun. And, now, when I talk about some of them, he actually knows who I'm talking about. Well, for the most part.

4. I completely lost control of my class for about fifteen minutes at the end of the day one day this week because a girl did something so sick and funny that I couldn't stop laughing. All the fourth graders at out school sell gummy worms to try and earn more money to go on field trips. (Sidenote: my kids have only been selling for about 2 weeks now, and we have already made $115.00 dollars. That's crazy, and that's just my class!) Some of my girls have thought it would be really good to put some of the sour gummy worms into their water bottles to make it sugar water. I have told them that it is really nasty so if they do that, they can't let me see it (the gummy worms get enlarged and it is just gross!). At the end of the day, this girl was swirling her water in her water bottle and I didn't notice it until it was too late. The gummy worms she had put in there had completely disinigrated and it looked like purple-brown throw-up. I had to completely stop my lesson mid-sentence because it was so gross. I turned and gagged and the kids were like, "what's going on? What is it?" and they were trying to see what had made me stop and turn around like that. I finally turned around and told the girl with a huge smile on my face that she had to put that away right now! It was sick! Everyone knew what I was talking about and I don't know who started it but all of a sudden, all my kids were chanting, "Drink it, drink it, drink it!" I couldn't help but laugh hysterically. I don't know why it was so funny, but I just couldn't help it. The other intern that shares the portable with me opened the door between our rooms and was like, "What's going on?" I couldn't even stop laughing to tell her. I finally got my kids under control again but it was time to go. It might not be that funny to anyone that reads it, but I swear, I was crying I was laughing so hard!

5. I said it briefly before, but I taught on my birthday. It was really fun because I brought cupcakes for my kids and I wouldn't let them forget that it was my birthday because I wrote "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS. LEE!" on the board and everytime we had to do anything, I said,
"It would be a really good birthday present if you would..." The kids got a kick out of it because they knew that I was just having a good time with them so it was really fun.

Well, it's probably a good thing that I haven't updated this thing until now because I don't know if I could have come up with as many good things had I not waited. There have been a lot of times these first couple of weeks that I wondered if I chose the right profession. But, I'm learning that when people say "The first month is the hardest," they are absolutely right. I didn't even understand how hard it really was going to be, but I'm starting to get a hang of the routine and figure out what it is I'm supposed to be teaching, and really what I'm supposed to do. One thing that I think will be really hard this whole year is trying not to feel like I'm a bad teacher, because since my kids are so low, it's hard not to blame myself when they completely fail their tests. But, regardless of how they are doing now, I know that they will improve at least somewhat during this year and I just have to give it time. I also know that I chose the perfect profession for myself. I love being a teacher. It is what I was meant to do and I love going to school and seeing those kids everyday. It feels good being a teacher!

Back to School Night

I have been having a pretty hard week at school because I feel like I am having to be really stern and mean when all I want to do is be fun and silly. I know it is important to show the kids that I am serious and to really train them to do what I want them to do, but I still feel a bit exhausted by the end of the day because of it.

I was talking to Derek the other night and I was almost in tears because I want to be the teacher that makes a difference in kids' lives. I don't remember anything I learned from elementary school, but I remember how my teachers made me feel. I want my students to know that I love and care for them and I want to make them feel wonderful, but it is hard because I kind of have to be Mrs. Strict! I have a really tough class, behaviorally, so I know that I need to get a handle on it now or it will haunt me the rest of the year, but it's just hard!

Anyway, I was feeling like I was being way too mean and that none of the kids would know that I truly loved being around them. Derek was trying to reassure me, but you know how that goes! "You're my husband so you're supposed to say those things, but I know that you are wrong and I want to pout and moan and feel sorry for myself!"

Well, I got the reassurance that I really wanted tonight at Back to School Night. I had several parents come up and tell me that their kids were so excited to have me as their teacher, that they loved getting up for school in the morning and that they really enjoyed school already this year! What? I feel like I'm being this mean old witch, but the kids are seeing that I do really care for them and that is why I have to set boundaries! The best part of all of this is that one of the parents that told me this was the parent of the boy that is my hardest behavior issue. He and I have been working hard to turn his behavior around and for the most part, he has actually taken great strides (even though it's only been a week) so I was glad to hear from his mom that he likes me as his teacher. I always feel bad when I have to call him out but at least he knows that I am doing it to help him and not to be mad at him.

I have already set up an after-school-homework-help session with one of the kids and I am really excited about that too. This is the reason I became a teacher! I want to help kids succeed and if I need to take time after school to do that, I don't care one bit!

So, that's that! I was really excited to hear some of the nice things that the parents had to say to me and it was just really good to meet some of them.

I Love Being a Teacher!!!

2 days down, a whole lot more to go!!!

School started on Thursday and for the most part, it went really well! I must say, however, that the first day of school isn't really any fun. All I did was teach them procedures and play get to know you games, which isn't that bad, but it just wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. I felt like I was a really mean and strict teacher the first day, because I knew that I had to get a handle on management from day 1 or else I feared that the kids would walk all over me from then on. But, day 2 was much better and I was able to be myself more and be more fun with the kids. That's how I want to be every day!!!

The first day was an extremely stressful day because everything seemed to go really, really fast and I wasn't able to do a lot of the things that I had planned. In my school district, most elementary schools do what's called "Track Time" which means that 1/2 my kids come at 8:00 in the morning and I have them for an hour and 15 minutes before the rest of the kids come. Then, the second set of kids stay for an hour and 15 minutes after the first track kids leave. Well, anyway, my second trackers came at 9:15 and we had Specialties at 9:30. That meant that I had 15 minutes to teach my kids:

1) that they would be split into thirds and each go to a different Specialty which will switch every trimester,
2) how to line up (quietly, without touching each other, in two lines, etc.) and
3) how to walk in the halls.

Plus, I had to get them to each of their specialties within that 15 minute time-block!
That's what I mean when I say it was stressful! I felt like I had so much to teach them (because they had to know it that first day) and so very little time!

Like I said before, Day 2 was much, much better. I didn't plan as many things and even though we had an assembly that was a bit stressful, overall, it was a very relaxed day compared to Thursday. I was able to be myself and be the kind of teacher that I truly want to be. For homework on the first day, I gave each student a sack and they had to fill it with 5 things that represented them. When we were sharing the next day, I kept singing the kids names as they were getting ready to come up! At first, the kids kept looking around with confused looks on their faces like, "Is she for real?" but then they started laughing every time I did it! It was really fun and silly!

There are a couple of stories that I wanted to share from the first two days (many of which are pretty funny!)

1. First of all, I lost a kid on the first day...that's right, lost one! He is a second track student but I wasn't paying attention as well as I should have been and he left when all the first track students were leaving. He is new to the school, so he didn't know he was doing anything wrong, but I still had to walk to the office and get them to call his name over the intercom. Pretty funny. Then, I had a kid that stayed all day. He came at first track even though he wasn't supposed to come until second track. The office lady came in and kind of chewed him out saying that he needed to only come at 9:15 and leave at 3:30, so, he did stay until 3:30, meaning I had him the entire day! He is one of those "hard" ones so it was pretty funny that first day!

2. On the second day of school, the kid with a mohawk brought me an apple. That's right...he brought me an apple! I wanted to laugh so hard but instead I made a big deal about how nice it was! I was so excited because it felt like I was a real teacher. Kids bringing me apples and all!

3. Our air conditioner is a little slow so in the morning it is freezing cold because the trailer has had all night to cool down but as the day wears on, the air conditioner can't keep up with all the hot bodies that come in after recess so it gets really, really hot. Like 90 degrees hot! I was telling one of my colleagues (that's right, I have colleagues!) about how hot it was and he told me that if I needed to, I could come in and use his room (he is doing a pilot testing program for our school so he is in the computer lab, but there isn't any testing going on so his room is empty). That second day I decided to take him up on his offer and since my students were just doing show and tell, I didn't think it would be a big problem. Well, four adults were in the classroom when we got there but they just sat in the back while we did our show and tell. One of the kids brought a cell phone and I quickly asked if the phone was off. He told me it was and he seemed a pretty trustworthy kid so I believed him. A few minutes later, another kid was presenting, and a cell phone went off. The people in the back looked at me and I was absolutely mortified! I walked over to the kid and just held my hand out so he knew to give me the dang phone NOW!!! I put it in my pocket and moved on. Later, after school was over, I saw Boyce, one of the adults in the back of the room, and I said, "How about when my kid's cell phone went off!" He just laughed and said, "Yeah, it had to happen then didn't it? When we were all in the back watching you! It had all day to go off, but it just happened to go off then!" Seriously! I mean, I am judged on how well my kids behave and on the second day of school, one of my kids' cell phones rings in front of 4 other teachers! Awesome!

Well, that's all I can think of right now. I know that a lot more happened during the last two days, but I can't remember all of it. All you need to know is that I love being a teacher!

What else is my life about but school?

I tested 14 kids on Friday. It was really fun to meet them all but by the end of the day, I was surprisingly exhausted. Who knew that sitting on my butt testing students would make me so tired? But, I must say that after meeting some of my students, I am getting REALLY excited to teach.

I felt like a teacher on Friday. I felt like I knew what I was doing, and I felt comfortable doing it! I loved meeting the parents and talking to them (except one who looked at me and the first thing she said was, "Wow, you're young!" All I could say was "Thanks" and then quickly change the subject. I got the feeling she didn't really like how young of a teacher I was. Oh well!) because I felt like I connected with a lot of them because there was something to connect about: their kids. I liked talking to the kids and meeting them and kind of getting a feel for what they are like. (I may already have a favorite, even though we aren't supposed to have those, but this kid was hilarious!)

I don't know, I am just way more excited than nervous right now. I hope it lasts until Thursday but even if it doesn't, I know that once I get all those kids in my class, I will be excited again! Anyway, that's the latest.

(Oh yeah, I lost another 1.2 pounds this week! Yay for me!)

School, School, School

I'm not sure this blog entry will make a lot of sense because my mind is really jumbled and it has been a LOT lately.

School starts ONE WEEK from TODAY!!! It has come so fast and I really feel like I have not had a summer at all. I feel like I have spent my whole summer getting ready, and yet I also feel like I am nowhere near ready. I must say that I am a lot farther along than other people in my situation but somehow I feel like there is never a possibility to feel ready to be a teacher. You just have to jump in and do it, and that's pretty scary!

I am getting excited though. I am ready to stop anticipating what it will be like and actually feel what it really is like. I want to get started and figure out things on my own. It feels like there is so much I could be doing right now, but I'm not sure how to do it until I have the kids there and I figure out how I want to do things.

Some good news: my classroom is ALL the way done. I've been working on it for awhile now but there was always something else to do. Plus, everyday I brought more and more stuff to put in the room that it was never quite finished. Well, I can proudly say that it is DONE! My desk area is still a bit messy because I'm still trying to figure out how to organize files and stuff, but everything else is done! It is such a good feeling. Other good news (and I know that by saying this, people will think that I'm overreacting when I say I don't feel ready because this is really awesome, but just remember that I also said that I never think I could feel ready for this job; it's pretty much impossible!) : yesterday and today, I spent probably 5-6 hours working on a day-by-day schedule of what I will be teaching in math for the whole school year! My team and I had already created a skeleton, but I was still a bit unclear and feeling a tad overwhelmed, so I just sat down and did it and I feel much better now. If only I could figure out how to do that with the other subjects. It's kind of hard to do it with anything other than math, because with math there is a textbook that you teach from but with things like reading and writing, you just go with the flow and figure it out based on what your kids need.

I am going to meet most of my students tomorrow because I am testing them in reading. I'm excited to meet them but I'm nervous about administering the test. I've never done it before and even though it looks pretty self-explanatory, I'm afraid it will take me awhile to learn, which is hard because the students will be sitting right there waiting for me. Plus, the parents are probably not going to just drop their kids off and leave, so I have to let them stay in my room which is just a little awkward. But, if I have time, I'll have to share how it goes.

Oh, before I end, I have to tell the funniest story that happened the other day. I was calling the parents to schedule these testing appointments, and I phoned a mom who only spoke Spanish. Now, for those who don't know, I took three years of Spanish in high school, and Derek is pretty fluent so I practice with him every now and then. So, I call this mom and I tell her who I am and I begin to ask about the appointment when she tells me she doesn't speak English. I totally froze. I should have known because her last name was Martinez or something, but I just didn't think about it. After several long silent moments, I finally said, "OK, yo Marcos maestra." For those that don't speak Spanish, the literal translation of that is, "I Marcos teacher." Excuse me! Did I really say that to this woman. Yes. Yes, I did...Then I told her, "Lo siento! No hablo espanol!" ("Sorry, I don't speak Spanish). She just laughed hysterically! It is funny now but I was dying then. So, I was so flustered that I couldn't think of anything in Spanish to say so I finally told her in plain English, "Well, I was going to make an appointment to meet with your son to do some testing, but I'll just wait until school starts." She obviously didn't understand a word so she just said, "OK, bye" and hung up as fast as she could! Holy Awkward! I called Derek later and he asked me if I knew how to say "I'm Marcos' teacher" and of course, once I was out of the terrible situation, I was able to form a perfectly coherent sentence in Spanish, but jeez. So, that's my funny story of the day. I sure hope I'll be able to talk to this woman throughout the year...

Weight Loss

So, last April (as in April of 2008), I got really dedicated to going to the gym and eating better. In seven months, I lost about 15 pounds, which doesn't seem like much, but I'm the type of person that doesn't really care how long it takes as long as it gets done. If you do the math, seven months from April is November and Thanksgiving came up and I completely blew it. I got into this mode of thinking that it didn't matter because I had done so well up to that point. I stopped going to the gym and I ate anything I wanted. It was like I hadn't eaten anything in seven months so I just started gorging myself with all the food I ever wanted. Needless to say, I gained all my weight back, pretty fast. Then, I started gaining more than the 15. I told myself that it didn't matter, that I had a husband who loved me no matter what (which is completely true, I'm so grateful!) and I just tried to justify all the bad things I was eating.

Well, that time has come and gone. I've decided (again), that I can't just eat junk food all day every day and feel good about myself. I need to be active and I need to eat healthier because it just makes me feel good! So, I was talking to my mom and decided that I would start going with her to Weight Watchers. I started last Saturday and it has been really good because I'm still eating things that I want; I just eat less of them. Anyway, after 1 week of trying this out, I lost 2.8 pounds! I am so excited. It feels good to see success. That's pretty much all I have right now, but I'll keep you posted!

The Worst is Over

Okay, it's done. Well, sort of. I called all of the parents but I only have 7 students signed up for testing. I couldn't get a hold of 8 parents and 3 students are moving. So, it's done for now. I'll have to follow-up on the ones I didn't reach and then hopefully I'll be done. I hate this part of my job. Parents are hard; kids are easy. Anyway, that's all.

Parents

I don't know what it is, but I have this major fear of talking to my students' parents. I have to call each one of them today to set up a time that I can test their kids and I have been putting it off forever. I don't want to talk to them...I'd rather talk to their kids! I think part of it might be that I feel a little incompetent when I talk to parents because all of them are older than me. I mean, they do have 4th graders so I get all insecure about being too young and them thinking that I am incompetent. I know it is ridiculous, but it's just how I feel. Maybe I'll treat myself to something if I can call them today, like an ice cream cone. Yeah, that sounds good!

Oh, Summer

I should have known that creating a blog would not cure my inability to write in a journal. Oh well. I still write in here more than I do in my journal so I guess it's still worth it.

A lot has been going on this summer and I guess it's time to start sharing some of it. June was full of meetings and workshops which really helped because I think I may be better off than most other first year teachers.

July has been kind of an up and down month. The district had been telling me since May that they would have my trailer soon...first they said by the end of May, then by the end of June, then by the first of July. It never came. It was hard for me to be doing stuff when I didn't know what my classroom looked like and I didn't have anywhere to put anything, so I waited and waited. Derek and I decided to go up to Calgary for the Stampede because I figured it would be the best time for me because I didn't have anything to do with my school during that beginning part of July so we went and had a really great time for about a week and a half. We went to the rodeo, went up into the mountains which is always a favorite and did other fun, laid-back things for a great vacation.

I got a call while we were up there that my trailer had arrived! I was super excited because it meant that I could set it all up the moment I got home...wrong! Once I got back, my school didn't have the keys because the district hadn't released them yet because there was no power in the trailers yet. So, I had one of the hardest weeks of the summer where I didn't do anything because there was nothing for me to do. So, I slept a lot and got a tad depressed. Anyway, that's the extreme reader's digest version. I got into my trailer last Tuesday and have seriously been working ever since to get things done in there. The one problem I face now is that the room doesn't have any storage space. So, I have a lot of stuff in the middle of the room and nowhere to put it. But, I have gotten a lot of bulletin boards up and I feel like I've made some progress.

The best part of it all though...is that there is a large, black pole directly in the middle of the classroom. Directly in the middle of the classroom! HA! Who has ever had to deal with a pole in the middle of their class before? I've never seen it but it has actually been quite fun because lots of people have been giving me all sorts of suggestions on how to use it. Currently, I am thinking of painting it (if my principal allows, of course) and turning it into a thermometer. That way, when I am teaching temperature, we can use a real thermometer to tell the temp., but then the kids can all visually see it on the pole that is so conveniently placed in the center of the room! :)

So, life is pretty good right now. I need to get this room done this week because starting next week, I will be busy with other school responsibilities so I won't have much more time. I'll try and post some pictures of the classroom so everyone can see! (And, maybe I'll finally post some of our new house too!) Well, that's all for now!

Just Catching Up

It's been awhile! A lot has happened since my last post. I finished with the kindergarten, and as much as I complained and had a hard time with that month of my life, I really do miss the kids. In fact, I just had a dream about them last night. They are super sweet! Yesterday, I was at the school and I saw one of the kids (they have free breakfast and lunch for the kids enrolled in the school all summer long!) that gave me a really hard time. It was so funny though because when he saw me, he got really excited and smiled as he waved frantically at me! As I smiled and waved back, I was thinking, "Do you not remember how defiant you were to me and how much you NEVER listened to me?" It's funny because even though he gave me such a hard time, I enjoyed seeing him. There have been kids that I have worked with in the past that when I see them again, I look the other way and hope they didn't see me, but with these kids, even though they were so difficult, I could never blame them because I knew too much about them and their situations. It truly was a wonderful experience!

We moved! We are now residents of Pleasant Grove, UT, which is one step closer out of Utah! Yay! It has been nice not being in the Provo scene and surprisingly, it feels like a very different Utah. I am still excited for the day when we can move somewhere a tad more "normal." I have been wanting to take pictures and post them, but the house isn't in the state that I want it to be in yet. We aren't completely unpacked and we haven't decided where some of our pictures and art are going to go yet, so they are just up against some walls right now. I want to wait until I can get some great pictures! We have loved the extra space that comes with the new apartment. In fact, I am now sitting in the second bedroom at the desk we just had to buy from IKEA because we needed something to occupy the room. It's so nice. We have a dining room, 2 bedrooms, like I mentioned, and the best part: a washer and dryer! I LOVE IT!!! Laundry was so much more of a chore when you had to plan your days around doing it. Now, I can just put in a load whenever I want and I don't have to worry about getting it out the second it's done. Life is treating us well!

I have been going to a lot of meetings and workshops for my job and it has been really fun. This last week has been quite hectic because I had to go to some district meetings on Monday and Tuesday and then the last two days, I have been meeting with my 4th grade team and working on curriculum maps. It has been awesome. Apparently, this is the first year that Title 1 teachers are getting paid for 10 extra days (9 of which are this summer) to work with their teams and other teams at Title 1 schools to become better prepared for the school year. I'm really lucky because with this being my first year, I am having such a great opportunity of getting so much done already. Our team has already made a curriculum map for the whole year (this is just a graph telling ourselves when we will teach each standard and objective from the Utah core curriculum) for all the subject areas! Awesome! Plus, yesterday, we worked on a scope and sequence for math. I now have a list of when I will teach each lesson, each day of the school year! No one gets that done before school so I am really lucky. With the four days we have left to work with each other, we are hoping to get literacy and science to the same point. I can't tell you enough how helpful this will be. All I will have to do is look ahead one week at a time and I will know exactly what I will be teaching and then all I will have to do is plan the specific lessons. Usually, teachers look a week ahead and decide what the will teach first, and then how they will teach it. I am cutting my workload for the year in half by doing it during the summer! Yes!

Anyway, I can't think of anything more to add. Life is serving us well and we are happy at this stage of our lives. Life is fun and I hope it stays that way for at least a little while!

Okay Days

I feel like there are three types of days that I can have while working in the kindergarten. The first is a great day where I feel like everything went as planned and the students were really good behaviorally. I come home feeling energetic and happy. The second is an okay day. There were some issues with some of the students and I had to stop a lot to get the kids back with me and I come home feeling exhausted but I'm not hating life. Then there's the last kind of day: a really bad day, where nothing goes right, the kids are never with me the whole day so I don't get to teach anything and I come home feeling like the worlds worst teacher! Fortunately, I don't have many of the latter. Since I started, I have probably only had one or two of those days. Unfortunately, I also don't have many of the former either, but I have had quite a few. I'm usually having just an exhausted day. You might think that that would make me unhappy, but luckily it doesn't. Even though I am so exhausted and Derek usually finds me asleep after he comes home from work, I still feel accomplished. I still feel like I put in a hard days work and at least some things went well. I'm glad I can have that perspective, especially because this group of kids has been so hard to deal with. If I can just have those okay days, I at least know I am making some sort of difference whether it be large or small. So, all in all, I'm content! Let's just hope I continue having the good and okay kinds of days!

Doubt

Derek and I just finished watching the movie Doubt. I was pretty tired as we were watching it, but I payed close attention because I was drawn to the movie. I didn't really know why because some might consider it a slow moving movie but I enjoyed watching it. When it was over, I was about to say, "that was good, now let's go to sleep." I'm glad I didn't because Derek and I were able to have a great conversation about the movie and I came away thinking it was one of the most thought-provoking and wonderful movies of all time. I love when a movie can speak to me and I especially love that when I'm not paying attention, I have a husband who is in tune enough to help me hear. I know this may seem a little vague, so let me explain.

The movie is not really about plot. If you've seen the previews, you have seen the plot. It is about a nun who is suspicious of what a priest may or may not have done and that's it. I can see why people may think it is boring and unfulfilling especially because you never find out if he really did what he was accused of doing. Anyway, what Derek and I took from the movie was that this woman was so afraid of doubt. It scared her to death, so much so that she felt she needed to control everything around her. She had to show people that she knew without doubt that he was guilty even though she didn't have any evidence. She had to control the situation just as she did the entire religious school. In our opinion she had doubts about everything in her life but she didn't want to admit them. Instead, she tried to stay in control of her own life. I punch this point out over and over again because it is what caused me to have a bit of a breakdown just a few minutes ago.

My kindergartners are full of doubts. They are full of uncertainty. Many don't know if they will go to bed with food in their stomachs. Many don't know any structure at home. Many are being raised by their siblings. Many are being raised by themselves. Many have had to deal with things that I will never have to deal with in my life. Ever. And all of them couldn't have had any control over their situations. They have been put in these circumstances and sometimes it angers me that their parents have done this to them and allowed them to see so much pain. It isn't the kids' fault. And because they are so full of doubt and because they have never been able to control their situations and control their pain, they try and control whatever they can. And that is why there are behavior problems in my class. It's not their fault. I can't imagine what is going on in their five year-old hearts and it breaks my own just thinking about it.

One boy in particular, is the hardest student I have ever dealt with. He throws such tantrums when he doesn't get his way, that he has his own aid that follows him to his two different kindergarten sessions to help him transition and help him with his behavior. I have learned to love this little boy. He is the sweetest child I have ever met. I can see that he needs love so much in his life and the woman who is his aid (in my opinion) is not showing him the right kind of love. Instead, it's the same negative stuff that he hears all the time at home. "You can't do this" "Don't do that" "You know better" Does he? This child is trying to control whatever he can in his life. When he throws tantrums, it's not because he doesn't get his way like some brat kid; it is because he needs to be in control of his life and the only way he can do that is by making his own choices, even if they are small and insignificant. When he "can't" do those things, it just reminds him of his own uncertainties in life. It just reminds him of the pain that has been brought upon him, by no choice of his own. It kills me. I just wish that I could take all of them in and love them and love them and love them. That's what they need the most.

Which brings me to my own doubts. I don't know if I'm a good enough person to give them all of the love that they need and that I want to give them. I find myself getting so frustrated when I'm teaching because the kids are acting so crazy. I get impatient. I never get full-out mean and I have never yelled (yet) but I have gotten stern and that doesn't make me feel good. I feel like the kids need structure and I, as a individual and as a teacher, desperately need structure but more importantly, the kids need to be loved. I haven't found out how to put away my need for structure to focus solely on love. And, I don't even know if that's the answer because like I said, these kids have never had structure so many of them need it. So, what do I do? How do I help them? If they are screaming, getting up in the middle of a lesson, wrestling on the carpet, how do I pay enough attention to the child that needs the love and leave the rest of the class to form a mutiny? I don't know how to balance it. I don't know how to give everything to every child and that is why I feel I am getting frustrated. They are all needy. Extremely needy. And I want to give them what they need, but I don't know how to do that to all students simultaneously, while still trying to keep some management practices (I'm still being observered, you know) and teach them the things they will need to succeed for the rest of their lives! How do you do that?

I love teaching. But, this aspect of teaching is the most difficult part. When you teach kids, you teach people. And, many of them are much more adult than I am in their personal experiences. I want to help all of them. But, am I asking to be superwoman? Or is that something that I can truly accomplish? My mind is jumbled and my heart is also. I love those kids and I pray with all of my heart that they are being watched over and protected. That they will be given comfort and love by our Savior and that their lives will prove much more certain than their childhoods have.

Spoke Too Soon?

Well, we all knew the bragging couldn't last THAT long...today was a very difficult day. For many reasons. I feel like doctors and parents put way too many normal kids on ADHD medicine, but there is one kid in my class who severely, severely needs it. I was told that he is on the medication but he is still one of the hardest kids in class to deal with. Today was a whole other story...and it's because he didn't take his medicine! I have never heard a child scream so loud in my life and throw such tantrums just because someone asked him to sit criss-cross applesauce (cute little phrase, right?). He was really difficult. To make matters worse, he has an aide that is with him all day and she and I have very different opinions on how we should handle hiim. She is very negative and is always saying "Don't do this" or "You know better than that" or "Do this right now" and he doesn't really respond very well to it. It's not my style to do that so I have been trying to handle it a little more positively by telling him how well he does when he does do well, and by asking him quietly to do something. He is responding really well (besides today, of course, because apparently that medicine helps him a lot!) but his aide keeps telling me that it is because I'm new and also that I am letting him get away with too much and that is why he had such a bad day today. In my opinion, I am just showing the kid some much needed love and that is why he is responding well and the reason he had such a horrible day is because he literally couldn't control himself. He doesn't have the ability to do so when he isn't on his medicine. And, that's my true opinion. Like I said before, I think that way too many kids are on ADHD medicine for no reason, probably 8 or 9 times out of 10, but this kid, wow, I don't know what I would do if he didn't have his medicine every day!

Anyway, that really only touches the surface of the day, and I'm only talking about Kindergarten. I am also trying to juggle my 4th grade tasks that I am responsible for. It's a hard balance to find especially because I'd rather focus on 4th grade, but my priority needs to be Kindergarten. Also, I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like some people expect me to and they get frustrated when I don't do it right! Anyway, sorry to vent, but, I'm not going to lie, I feel much better!

Some Call It Bragging, I Call It Sharing My Successes!

So yesterday, my cooperating teacher wasn't at school so she had to get a substitute. This meant that I would pretty much take over the class and the sub would just be there to help. I couldn't have been more thrilled. I was really nervous, too, because I had never taught a whole day of kindergarten, and especially not with any of those crazy kids! But, it was AWESOME!!! I am still not sure if I am just going through a honeymoon phase with these kids but they were really good for me. They weren't perfect, and I would never expect them to be, but I felt like they listened to me better than their own teacher. After the day was over, the sub told me that she had never seen the class behave so well and she has substituted the class a lot over the year. I was really excited because it made me feel so good about my teaching abilities. I never thought that I would like teaching kindergarten, but being successful at it makes me feel like I could do it if I needed to. It's still not my first choice because I still don't like the "baby-sitting" aspect of it, but I love being in front of a class. And, for the first time, I loved being in front of a kindergarten class! The feeling is wonderful!

I just want to say that I love those kids. I have only known them for four days, and some of them are really hard to deal with, but I have found out so much about myself in such a short amount of time because of these kids. They have such sad, sad stories and knowing this about them makes it so easy to love them. Even when I have to discipline them, I find myself smiling or hugging them two seconds later because they are such wonderful kids. I have learned a lot about the balance that you have to have between patience and love and it had been such a wonderful experience. I think that it will definitely help me to be a better 4th grade teacher because even though I won't have to deal with as many "baby-sitting behavior problems" I will still have to discipline the students but having love and patience will make my year so much better and it will also be better for my students.

Needless to say, I am incredibly excited to start teaching!

Oh, Kindergarten

Today was my second day teaching in the kindergarten! It has already been quite interesting! The kids are completely off the wall! But, you can't really blame them very much because they have such sad backgrounds and stories. Most of the kids have been exposed to drugs, whether it was as a fetus or after birth. A lot of students were put in foster care because parents abused drugs, or even overdosed. And, some have been abused. It breaks my heart to think about all of the things that these 5 year olds have had to deal with in such a short time. Their innocence has been taken away from them and that's not fair! So, there are a lot of behavior problems, which is understandable, but it doesn't make it that much easier. It helps to have that understanding and it helps to remember their stories because it makes it easier to be patient. But, it is still exhausting and it is still hard to have patience when 15 kids are screaming, crying, pulling hair and every other crazy thing that they find to do!

I'm sure I will have much more to write about this subject especially because it is going to be one of the hardest things I do! Until then...

Oh Yeah...

Other exciting news that I forgot to mention! I passed the Praxis test!!! I got a 183 and I only needed to get a 150 to pass! I received a "certificate of excellence" because apparently I was in the top 15% of people who have taken the test over previous years. So, that's pretty cool! And, seeing as that was seriously the hardest test ever known to man (because you had to know everything about every subject that has ever been learned in human history!), I feel pretty accomplished to have received such a high score! And, for those of you who know my mom, she passed too! We were both extremely excited. She and I will both be teaching 4th grade next year so it's going to be a lot of fun! A lot of mommy-daughter planning time! Until next time...

DONE!

On Tuesday, April 21, I finished my last final of college life! Well, maybe. I'm not quite sure. I just found out that I have to take a Capstone Seminar during the month of May but since it's not for the entire term and since it's called a "seminar," I'm hoping it just means I have to go and listen to someone talk. Hopefully, I won't have to write any papers or take any more tests! Because I don't know, I like to think that I'm DONE!!!

It's a really exciting feeling for me. I know a lot of people say that they were excited to be finished with school but after awhile, they get a little sad because they loved learning and being in school. I don't really think that is going to happen for me. :) I haven't really enjoyed my schooling because I got so frustrated with professors treating me like a five-year-old instead of teaching me how to teach five-year-olds. I got so frustrated with the stereotypical elementary education majors that were just in school to get married, and ElEd seemed like the easiest way to accomplish that. I felt like school was just a means to an end because it is teaching that I really love. I do love learning, but I feel like I learn so much more from the kids themselves and from my own experiences than I can from someone telling me what it's like. I am just so excited to finally, finally have my own classroom, to teach how I want to teach, to have my own experiences, and to learn from them! I think I will always be a lover of learning, and that's why I will go to workshops and read books to help me be a better teacher, but as I'm doing that, I'll also be given the chance to apply it right away and that's what I'm going to love! So, I'm done with school but I'm beginning something better! I'm done with classes and grades, but I'll never be finished learning! I'm excited for life to start!

Teaching, Teaching, Teaching

Alright, it has been way too long! My excuse is that I have been in a 4th grade class all month and I really haven't had any time to post anything because I have been swamped with lesson plans and complete exhaustion! But, I'm back in classes now so I have a bit more time! Let me tell you a little bit about my experiences this practicum:

I was in a 4th grade class at Bonneville Elementary with a cooperating teacher named Aaron Stevenson. He was a really awesome mentor teacher and I learned a lot from him and his teaching style. But, I must say that I learned much more from my own experiences teaching as well as from the students in my class! It was such a fun experience. I think the best part of the experience was some of the connections that I got to make with some of the students. I will remember two in specific.

There was a boy named Bridjer who was very energetic to say the least. He always seemed to get in trouble because he really couldn't sit still and he was always turning around and distracting other students. One of the first days of my practicum, I brought him over to me and just talked to him. I asked him how he was doing in school and how he was doing that day. He kind of opened up to me and told me that he was having a hard day. I told him that if he has hard days that he should come and see me and we could talk. From then on, I had a really good relationship with him. He confided in me that he often got bored in class so that is why he turned around to talk to the other kids. I told him that I would be okay if he held something in his hand, a toy or something, as long as it didn't distract him or anyone else. He pretty much loved me after that! He thought I was the coolest teacher because I would let him "play" during school! He wasn't the perfect child after that, but I didn't really care: I liked that I had made a connection with him!

Another girl, Eliza, was the type of girl that thought she was too cool for school. She often rolled her eyes at me because she thought she was much cooler than me! I thought it was the perfect opportunity to be silly with her and make her be a ten-year-old! As often as I could, I teased her and joked with her and by the end of the practicum, she was coming up to me and talking to me like I was one of the girls! It was really fun and again, I'm glad for the connection!

After teaching for a month, I realized again how much I really love teaching. I realized again that I feel confident when I am in front of students and I feel like I can actually do it well! I love teaching!

Other big news: I interviewed for an internship and I got a position to teach 4th grade next year! I am so excited. I feel like all of my boring, seemingly pointless schooling is paying off and I will finally get to do what I want to do and that is teach full time in my own classroom. I'm obviously a little nervous because I have never had my own classroom before but I feel somewhat confident that even though I don't know what I'm doing, that I'll learn and I'll learn to do it well!

So, the next couple of months are going to be a bit crazy! Because I got an internship and because I am a elementary education major as well as a early childhood education major, I have to do a student teaching experience in May. So, I'll be in a Kindergarten for the month of May where I will be the teacher in a nother teacher's classroom. I'm excited for it, but since early childhood isn't what I really want to do, I'm more excited to get it over with and teach 4th grade!

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully, I will keep up on this thing instead of having to write a novel everytime!

New Hair Cut!

I CUT MY HAIR!!! It was pretty long to start with (I should've taken a "before" picture) and I chopped off a lot of it. Check it out! I'm pretty excited about it, especially because It doesn't take me very long in the morning to do it! I'm all about low-maintenance and so this is perfect. It is taking me a little getting used to because in the shower I feel like a boy! There is no hair in the back and I keep forgetting and putting a lot of shampoo in it! I'll get used to it but I really like it! It's something new and funky and fun!

Tender Mercies

Wow. I just feel so blessed today that I must write it down. Today, Derek and I have been so blessed financially. He got a one-time (this year) bonus from work plus raise! Wow! I felt like we were really making it and we have been having an opportunity to start saving and yes...spending less than we earn: what a concept! And now, we are blessed even more. This is just so helpful because I am the type of person who is completely scared of money. I am scared of not having any and I am scared of having too much, meaning, I don't want to live on the streets, but I also don't want to have so much that I spoil my kids and they don't learn the value of hard-work. This bonus and raise, however, is helping me to start freaking out less. I feel like I am learning to balance the two extremes. I'm feeling like I learning how to save so that we don't spend too much and spoil ourselves, but that we can also live free of too much financial worry. What a wonderful place to be in, after only about two years of marriage! That isn't the case for a lot of people, and it makes me feel so incredible blessed. I can't say it enough. I'm sure this entry is completely jumbled and all over the place but I am just so excited and blessed. This is surely a tender mercy from God!

Odds and Ends

The semester seems to be winding down a bit, and by that I mean that everything is due and I'm pretty stressed! Next week, I only go to class for two days and then on Wednesday, I will be in the fourth grade for four weeks! I'm so excited, but that is why everything is due. I'm grateful for my teachers because if it is due before the practicum, then I won't have to worry about it during or after it, but it still makes it a little stressful. But, I'll be alright. I just keep thinking about looking forward to actually doing something applicable next week so it all seems doable.

Gary (Derek's dad) just told us last night that he is coming into town today. So, that will be lots of fun to spend time with him! I think it is hilarious that even though Derek's family lives in Canada (well, his parent's are the only ones, but still) I see them quite often. I love it! It makes it nice because since my family lives around here, we get to see them a lot so being able to spend time with Derek's family too is awesome!

What else? This weekend was really good. Relaxed but fun. On Friday, Derek and I went out to dinner and then came home and watched T.V. shows that we had recorded that we hadn't gotten a chance to watch yet. Sometimes, I just love spending Friday night at home. It is so relaxing and so nice.

On Saturday, I had to study and take a test. It turned out okay. It was mostly short answer/essay, so I don't know how well I did, but I felt good about it. While I was doing that, Derek was studying for his GMAT test. He takes that on March 14th, the same day I take my Praxis test, so we will both be studying like crazy the next couple of weeks.

After my test, my friend Megan called and we went to the gym. I hadn't been in like, forever, so it was nice. It always makes it much easier to get through when I have a friend there to talk to. Otherwise, I get really bored!

Then, Derek and I went up to Salt Lake for his hockey game. It was playoffs and they have double elimination. Derek's team had already lost last week, so if they lost on Saturday, it would have been their last game. Sadly, they lost. They scored 8 goals, but they still lost. It was okay though. It is sometimes hard on both of us when he has a game every weekend and most of them are really late at night. At least now, we will have more time to do other things that we like. He might sign up for the summer league, though, so we will see how that goes.

Anyway, that's life right now. I don't always feel like my life is that exciting so that's why I haven't been writing as frequently. Hopefully, in the next couple of weeks, I'll have much cooler things to say!

Disneyland!

On Sunday, we made the 10 hour drive to Anaheim, CA to go to Disneyland! It was so much fun. On Monday, only my mom was with Derek and I but it was really fun. It rained a little in the day but hardly anyone was at the park so we were able to go on all of the fun rides at both parks multiple times. It was fun because we got to just relax and walk around and do things that I don't usually get to do because there is never enough time (like ride that really fun ferry, see shows, etc.)

On Tuesday, Doug, Heather and the kids were there! This is why I was so excited to go to Disneyland. It is so much more fun when there are kids there with you, especially when they are 2 and 3 years old, and especially when their names are Emily and Colby! They were living dolls! We had fun on Tuesday because we were able to go on all the kid rides that I haven't been on since I was a kid. We went to Toon Town and saw Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and Pluto! I just love how exciting and new it is to kids. They have so much energy and the whole experience for them truly is magical. Needless to say, I love Disneyland! It really is the happiest place on Earth!

Anyway, I could write tons more about it but all that really needs to be said is how much I love Disneyland. I want to take our kids there as much as we can. I could honestly say that I love Disneyland as much as Christmas and food. Now that's saying something!!!

Derek's Birthday!!!

Today is Derek's birthday! Yay! I love birthdays! Unfortunately, I can't make this day as fun as I would usually like because not only does Derek work all day, but his GMAT class is also tonight so he doesn't get home until 10:30 p.m. It's a little sad, but I did what I could. Derek works up in South Jordan and so today, I drove up there and we had lunch together. It was really fun and really needed. I have never done of that before which made it special but also made me wonder why I hadn't before! I didn't get Derek anything for his birthday this year (because he pretty much used up all of his birthdays and Christmas' for the next two years when we bought that T.V.!!!) but sometimes I think that it's better that way. We had the most wonderful lunch together and I know that sounds a little weird but I think it was a better gift than a movie or something! I don't know though, it wasn't my birthday :)

We are planning to do something fun this weekend and invite people out for dinner or something. We haven't decided yet but hopefully, we can just have a fun night hanging out and celebrating with cake and ice cream! Then, on Sunday, we are going up to my parent's house for a birthday dinner. So, even though today might not be that great, at least we will be able to celebrate it all weekend!

Making Myself Feel Better

I feel like this blog is going to become a place for me to just vent everything that's going wrong in my life, and I don't really want it to because there are so many good things that happen in my life. It just seems like it is easier to vent because then it gets it off my chest and I feel better. So, here's to making myself feel better!

Sometimes, I get so frustrated with my teaching program and my teachers. Today just happened to be one of those days. In my Teaching Reading and Language Arts class, we were talking about a particular assessment that we can use in the upper grades that will help us determine whether our students are on an independent, instructional or frustrational reading level. We practiced giving the assessment as well as scoring it to determine the child's level. When we came back for a discussion, we all had different interpretations and answers. That's not that bad, but as my teacher was talking about all of them, he kept telling us "what he put down." I don't really care what he put down; I want to know the correct way to do it. I feel like if everyone has differing opinions then the test isn't very valid. We all got different levels for the one child so it's not a good test! So, why are they teaching it to us? Why do I want to learn a bad way to assess my students? Anyway, that doesn't sound so bad when I write it, but my experience in the class today was making me very frustrated and disagreeable!

Then, I went to science, which is a class that I constantly have to tell myself to have a good attitude in. First of all, science is one of those "touchy subjects." It is one of those subjets that many people don't feel successful in and are sensitive about. I am definitely one of those people. I never thought I was good at science and I never liked it. I think that is because I had some bad science teachers that made me feel really stupid. This teacher is no different. There have been times (2 times actually, but they impacted me a great deal) when I asked a question or said a comment in class and my teacher looked at me like I was a complete idiot. She kind of furrows her brows and has a completely confused expression on her face as she talks about how that doesn't make any sense. I feel like it's her way of saying "I don't agree, I have a different opinion" but she does it and I feel about 2 inches tall. I never think that is the right way to handle any situation but when you are a science (or math, I should add) teacher, I feel like you need to be tons more sensitive because the subject matter is already touchy enough. It is people like her that make people like me hate science. And, I don't want to hate science. But, I especially don't want to feel like an idiot. That doesn't make me want to try any harder to understand the subject matter or ask any more questions. It turns me off completely!

Anyway, that's my ranting and raving for you! I do feel much better (except that I can't help but thinking that I have three more months of dealing with people like this...)

Life

I haven't written for awhile but that's because I don't have much to say. Nothing's changed! School is still school. Sometimes I get a little frustrated because this semester's classes are practically the same as last semester's. So, instead of feeling like I had a wonderful 2 week break and I'm starting a new semester and I am only 3 weeks in, I feel like I have had no break and I'm working on week 20! I don't know; it's a strange feeling. I just keep looking forward to March when it truly feels like my semester is over because I'll be teaching all day! YAY!

I just registered for the Praxis test and I'm taking it on March 14th. I have to pass if I am going to graduate and get a license so it's kind of a big deal, but I'm not worried about it too much. If I just study, I should be fine.

I've been feeling really torn lately. I really want to be a mom, but I also really want to be a teacher. I know that I can be both, but I feel like if I want to do my best at either one, then I would have to choose. For me, the choice is pretty obvious, but sometimes I just want to be that career woman who puts her life and soul into (for my case) her students and her teaching. I really want to be a teacher but I don't think I would be as committed, and therefore as good of a teacher if I was worrying about leaving my kids at home to be raised by someone else. Being a good mom is more important to me than being a good school teacher (because I am going to be teaching my kids, right?) but I still have a desire to be good at both and to know how to juggle millions of responsibilities with perfection.

Well, that's life, right?

Application!

I'm finished with my application! Done. Turned in. I feel pretty good about it. Last night, Derek helped me a lot with it. He and I went through my autobiographical sketch (which is apparently the biggest deal on the application seeing as 20+ people look at it...) and he helped me make some changes to it. I was really happy with it. Then, he helped me crop the picture I had to put on every single page of the application! It took us like two hours but I'm glad I did it because I think I turned in a pretty solid application. Now, all I have to do is wait a couple of months until I interview for a position! I'm super excited about it! Hopefully, I'll get an internship and all will be well!

4th Grade Class

Today, I got to go to the school that I am going to be working at for the month of March and meet all of the kids! It was so fun! Unfortunately, there was a sub there today so I didn't actually get to meet my cooperating teacher, but I got to meet the most important members of the class so I wasn't too bummed! We got to go so that we could fulfill an assignment and gather a whole bunch of contextual factors about the school, the class and the students but I just liked being in an elementary school again. It really feels like home! Which is why I think that it is really cruel for them to let us come to a class, meet all of the kids and then snatch it away, making us come back to school for a whole month and a half until we can go see them again! Well, there's my vent!

As for gratitude, I am still grateful for the same things as yesterday! Another addition would be children! I love how simple and kind they are and how they love to learn! I think we all need to be a little more like that! I'm also grateful for dentists (even though I hate going to them) because they make pain in my mouth go away (even if they give you additional pain to get there!). I'm also grateful for hot chocolate and soup! They make me so warm inside!

Gratitude Journal

For one of my classes (strangely enough, Health Education...), I have to keep a gratitude journal for a week. I'm not so sure why it is required for this class, or any class at all for that matter. Nonetheless, I think it is a really good opportunity to write down the things that I am grateful for! Here goes (not in any particular order):
1. Derek: he is a constant joy in my life and I always seem to be so happy when I am around him!
2. Family: I love spending time with my brothers sisters-in-law and my niece and nephew. They are so fun to be around and they always make me laugh!
3. Friends: I love good loyal friends. They bring a needed aspect to my life and they always make me happy!
4. God: I am grateful for the earth he has created for me to live, the talents he has blessed me with and the people he has surrounded me with!
5. American Idol: It's starting tonight, so I just thought I'd throw that in there!

Practicum Assignment

I got my practicum assignment today, and I will be in a 4th grade classroom at Bonneville Elementary school. So, in case you don't know what the practicum is, I'll tell you.

Last semester and this semester are called my "cohort" semesters. That just means that I am with the same people for every class both semesters and we are all assigned to work in schools in the same district. Last semester, during November, and this semester during March, I am in the schools, all day every day! All of my classes get canceled at BYU and all I get to do is teach! Last semester we worked in lower grades and I was in a first grade classroom. As much as I loved my experience, I am much more excited for 4th graders! I like the older grades better and even though I don't have as much experience with them, I think that I am better at teaching them than younger students.

I am just really excited to apply what I know. Sometimes, I feel like school is (for the most part) a waste of time. I feel like the real learning comes from the experience! That's why I'm glad that I get two months out of the year to be in the schools all day, but I still wish for more! I'm just really excited, that's all! March is going to be a fun month for me!

T.V.

Derek and I bought a new LCD t.v. and blueray when we got home from Canada, but we just got it to our house on Friday. It is pretty cool and Derek is extremely excited! I like it, but it is HUGE!!! Here's the story:

At the beginning of December, Derek and I went to his Christmas work party and he won a Bose Sound Dock. Derek wanted to keep it (I mean, why wouldn't he?) but I knew that he wanted to get a T.V. so I suggested that he sell it and put it towards money to buy a T.V. At this point, we had already talked about buying one and since they were so expensive, I asked if it was alright that he put a little money aside from all of his paychecks to kind of "save-up" for it. He had agreed so when I told him about selling the sound dock, he was thrilled because then he wouldn't have to save up for so long. Turns out that those sound docks are like $300 and he was able to sell it to one of his friends at work.

Then, we went to Canada for Christmas! There, we got money from Santa in a large sum! So, I told Derek that we could put that money towards a T.V. if he wanted to. Again, he was thrilled! We get home from Canada and pick up our mail. We got a Christmas card from Derek's aunt and uncle but it also had a check for a large sum of money. We read the card and apparently, they forgot to send us our wedding present 18 MONTHS AGO!!! It had been sitting on their desk for the last year and a half. We have about $1000 dollars at this point, all of which was given to us in one form or another. Holy Cow! Derek didn't have to talk me into it long and we went, literally the day we got home from Canada, and bought a T.V.

It's a Sony 42" 1080p LCD T.V. Impressed? I know all about this T.V. because I wasn't about to buy it without having some knowledge on the subject so we spent about 2 hours in Best Buy while I figured it all out with all of the sales people! The story's not over yet! When we get to Best Buy, we find out that the 42" is actually less money than the 37" or the 40" because it happens to be on sale, even though the other T.V.'s of smaller sizes were the exact same T.V. So, again, I was talked into buying that one. But, not only was it on sale, there was also an offer that said we could get $100 off of a Sony blueray. We were sold! We bought the T.V. and blueray and they told us we had to wait a week for it to be shipped from their warehouse. Derek was a little bummed but we did it anyway. On Friday, he went to pick up the items and low and behold, they didn't have any of the bluerays that we ordered at the warehouse so they gave us the more expensive one at no extra charge. Ultimitely, we got a $400 blueray for $200! Derek was stoked.

We set it up in our tiny little apartment and it looks ginormous! It's huge! It looked a lot smaller at Best Buy but that's okay. Derek is so excited and we saved a lot of money doing it that way so I guess I can't complain.

Well, that is my long-winded version of why we have such a humungous T.V. sitting in our living room!

Internship

So, I started my application for my internship and it won't be that bad. I will have plenty of time to finish it and polish it before it's due next Thursday. As I have been working on it though, I have realized how terrified I am to teach in 7 months. I don't think that there is anything I can do to prepare well enough for my first year of teaching and for someone like me, that is incredibly frightening. I think that I will be okay teaching, but it is weird things that scare me. It's the first day of school: what do I do with them? How do I teach them all of the routines and procedures that will be expected of them without boring them half to death? How do I make that first day fun so they want to come back but still be in control so they don't think that they can walk all over me the whole year? And planning, that's a big issue: How do I plan a whole day, week, month and year? How do I plan well enough that everything builds on previous lessons?

I think that the main thing that I'm struggling with, however, is that I don't feel like I can be the teacher that all of my professors talk about. Those teachers sound so amazing and I'm not there yet! I know that no one expects me to be this first year, but being the perfectionist that I am, I really want to be!

To be honest, I really think that the wait is more frustrating and makes me more anxious than anything else. I'm sure once I'm doing it, it will all become more natural and I won't have to worry about all those small things. I just have to wait until then to see if I'm right!

I Started A Blog

I took this technology class at BYU last semester and one of the assignments was that we had to create a blog. We posted our thoughts about the projects that we were doing and such. I liked writing on my blog but decided that it probably wouldn't be that fun for someone to read my thoughts on technology projects. So, I started a new one!

I'm not even sure that I'm brave enough to tell people about it so for now, I may be the only one reading it! Oh well, I guess it will give me something to do!

Winter classes started on Monday. They are almost exactly the same as my classes from last semester...yeah, a little boring. I have another Reading and Language class, another math class, another management-like class and then a Social Studies, Science and Health class. None of them have seemed to jump out at me like it's the best class ever, but we'll see. One thing I can say is that it is day three of this semester and they already have us freaking out about all of the stuff we have to do this semester: apply for an internship (due next Thursday...), register and take the Praxis test (allows me to get my teaching license), interview for an internship, teach 4th, 5th or 6th graders for a month, and then all of the other, "normal" stuff that they want us to do like read and write billions of papers. I'm a little stressed, not going to lie. But, it will probably end up not being that big of a deal when it's all over, just like it usually does!