Doubt

Derek and I just finished watching the movie Doubt. I was pretty tired as we were watching it, but I payed close attention because I was drawn to the movie. I didn't really know why because some might consider it a slow moving movie but I enjoyed watching it. When it was over, I was about to say, "that was good, now let's go to sleep." I'm glad I didn't because Derek and I were able to have a great conversation about the movie and I came away thinking it was one of the most thought-provoking and wonderful movies of all time. I love when a movie can speak to me and I especially love that when I'm not paying attention, I have a husband who is in tune enough to help me hear. I know this may seem a little vague, so let me explain.

The movie is not really about plot. If you've seen the previews, you have seen the plot. It is about a nun who is suspicious of what a priest may or may not have done and that's it. I can see why people may think it is boring and unfulfilling especially because you never find out if he really did what he was accused of doing. Anyway, what Derek and I took from the movie was that this woman was so afraid of doubt. It scared her to death, so much so that she felt she needed to control everything around her. She had to show people that she knew without doubt that he was guilty even though she didn't have any evidence. She had to control the situation just as she did the entire religious school. In our opinion she had doubts about everything in her life but she didn't want to admit them. Instead, she tried to stay in control of her own life. I punch this point out over and over again because it is what caused me to have a bit of a breakdown just a few minutes ago.

My kindergartners are full of doubts. They are full of uncertainty. Many don't know if they will go to bed with food in their stomachs. Many don't know any structure at home. Many are being raised by their siblings. Many are being raised by themselves. Many have had to deal with things that I will never have to deal with in my life. Ever. And all of them couldn't have had any control over their situations. They have been put in these circumstances and sometimes it angers me that their parents have done this to them and allowed them to see so much pain. It isn't the kids' fault. And because they are so full of doubt and because they have never been able to control their situations and control their pain, they try and control whatever they can. And that is why there are behavior problems in my class. It's not their fault. I can't imagine what is going on in their five year-old hearts and it breaks my own just thinking about it.

One boy in particular, is the hardest student I have ever dealt with. He throws such tantrums when he doesn't get his way, that he has his own aid that follows him to his two different kindergarten sessions to help him transition and help him with his behavior. I have learned to love this little boy. He is the sweetest child I have ever met. I can see that he needs love so much in his life and the woman who is his aid (in my opinion) is not showing him the right kind of love. Instead, it's the same negative stuff that he hears all the time at home. "You can't do this" "Don't do that" "You know better" Does he? This child is trying to control whatever he can in his life. When he throws tantrums, it's not because he doesn't get his way like some brat kid; it is because he needs to be in control of his life and the only way he can do that is by making his own choices, even if they are small and insignificant. When he "can't" do those things, it just reminds him of his own uncertainties in life. It just reminds him of the pain that has been brought upon him, by no choice of his own. It kills me. I just wish that I could take all of them in and love them and love them and love them. That's what they need the most.

Which brings me to my own doubts. I don't know if I'm a good enough person to give them all of the love that they need and that I want to give them. I find myself getting so frustrated when I'm teaching because the kids are acting so crazy. I get impatient. I never get full-out mean and I have never yelled (yet) but I have gotten stern and that doesn't make me feel good. I feel like the kids need structure and I, as a individual and as a teacher, desperately need structure but more importantly, the kids need to be loved. I haven't found out how to put away my need for structure to focus solely on love. And, I don't even know if that's the answer because like I said, these kids have never had structure so many of them need it. So, what do I do? How do I help them? If they are screaming, getting up in the middle of a lesson, wrestling on the carpet, how do I pay enough attention to the child that needs the love and leave the rest of the class to form a mutiny? I don't know how to balance it. I don't know how to give everything to every child and that is why I feel I am getting frustrated. They are all needy. Extremely needy. And I want to give them what they need, but I don't know how to do that to all students simultaneously, while still trying to keep some management practices (I'm still being observered, you know) and teach them the things they will need to succeed for the rest of their lives! How do you do that?

I love teaching. But, this aspect of teaching is the most difficult part. When you teach kids, you teach people. And, many of them are much more adult than I am in their personal experiences. I want to help all of them. But, am I asking to be superwoman? Or is that something that I can truly accomplish? My mind is jumbled and my heart is also. I love those kids and I pray with all of my heart that they are being watched over and protected. That they will be given comfort and love by our Savior and that their lives will prove much more certain than their childhoods have.