Caring

A blessing and a curse.

A blessing? When you care enough about something, you want to change to be better. For example, if I care about being a good wife, I want to change myself so I can be a good wife. If I care about being a good teacher, I will do what I can to make myself better, to change and mold myself to be the best I can be.

The curse? Maybe perfectionism is my curse, but caring becomes a curse because I can care too much. Care so much that it gets overwhelming and discouraging because I know I can't ever be that perfect someone that I so desperately care to be.

Regardless of the fact that caring is both a blessing and a curse, I would much rather care than not care. I feel like I am going through one of those times in life when you really learn a lot about yourself in a short amount of time. I've learned that depression comes quickly for me when I don't care about things that I once cared about.

Take teaching for example. This year, I have not cared nearly as much as I did in other years. I blamed this on the fact that I just want to be a stay-at-home mom and my plans aren't working like they should. I blamed it on the fact that my students are so much more capable this year than last, so I don't need to stress about being the best, because they'll do just fine even if I'm not my best. I blamed it on the fact that my team was this, that and the other and I couldn't change them so I might as well join in their negativity.

Depression.

I knew I wasn't happy, but how do you just tell yourself to just start caring. It's easier said than done.

I don't know what changed for me, and that's an honest reflection, but I'm starting to care. I've gotten off of the pity horse and I'm ready to be the best I can be again. Who knows when we will have a baby? Who knows? Who knows how long I will be teaching? I don't know, but I might as well make the most of this experience. Right?

I feel a little overwhelmed and discouraged knowing that I can't be what I want to be RIGHT NOW, but I've got some ideas of how I can change little by little. I understand that I can't be perfect now. I have learned that many times, and will continue to learn that many times throughout my life, I am sure. But, I can try. That's my goal right now: to try. To care enough to try.

The following is a thought that I might not have fully formed into words yet, but it does have something to do with "caring." I'm also not sure where I would put this in this post, so I am writing it as a side-note, I guess you can say.

I care a lot about having a baby, about starting a family. I guess you could say that I care too much. Overwhelmingly and discouragingly too much. Because of this caring, I tried (have been trying) to do whatever I can do to make what I care so much about a reality. You all know I saw an OBGYN for a year, that I'm currently seeing a fertility specialist. I care, so I am proactive. That's just who I am.

The difference? I can't control what happens when it comes to having a baby and starting a family. Only God controls that. The only thing I can control is doing what I'm doing and having faith that it will happen for us. That's it.

With all the other things I care about, I can make these changes, be proactive about changing and I can see those changes become realities. Maybe small realities, slow-step realities, but realities nonetheless. Not so with starting a family. I have no control over what happens with my proactive caring. It's hard. It's trying. It's faith-testing.

But at least I care.