Update

To spare you all the details, I'll just give you a quick update:

If everything is working as it should this month, we are a "go" for an IUI in mid-April.

That's all.

Ode to Mom

My mom is the best.

I could leave it at that because it truly sums it up completely, but somehow, it just doesn't seem like enough.

My mom is the strongest person I know. She inspires me to be a better person and when I look at her, at her life, at all of the things that she has gone through in this life, I can't help but be in awe that I was chosen to be her daughter. That I was lucky enough to be born to a woman that no one else compares to.

What did I do to deserve and be blessed with such an amazing woman to be my mother.

Sometimes, I don't think that I appreciate my mom like I should. We are very different; quite opposite in some ways, actually, and at times, I can become impatient and insensitive. I wish I could take back all of those times and replace them with how I truly feel about her! She amazes me.

Mom, you truly are the best. I never could have become the woman I am today without your help and guidance. Without your example and unconditional love. You lifted me up in the hardest of times, cried with me, hugged me, and talked with me. You showed me what it means to be a righteous woman, what it means to rely on the Lord, what it means to have strength and courage, and most importantly FAITH.

I appreciate all that you have done for me. All that you wanted to do for me. Everything that you are.

If I can be half the mother that you are to me, my children will be blessed beyond measure. And, luckily, they will have you for a grandmother!

Thank you!

Your Grateful Daughter

Change

We went to a special sacrament meeting with 3 other wards today because they are creating 2 new wards using people from each of the 4 wards present.

Derek and I are now members of the Grove 8th ward, and I'm not going to lie, I'm a little upset about it. In our old ward, there were two complexes that made up the membership: an apartment complex and a condo/town home complex. Pretty much all of our friends live in the condo/town home complex because if you can imagine, they are much more stable than the apartment complex tenants. We've been here for almost 2 years, so the people we have gotten close to have been there that long which means that they are established in the ward and therefore own a town home.

We literally know NO ONE in our new ward. We tried talking to people and thinking who would be coming with us to the new ward and we could name people, but none of them are friends. None of them are in the same point of life as we are. We just don't connect with any of them.

It's going to be hard. But, I guess change is always hard.

In some ways, I think God might be preparing me for some other change that may come in the near future. Derek and I knew we were going to be moving in August and I knew that I would have a really hard time leaving this ward. Maybe God knew that it would be difficult so he forced it a little earlier so when we actually do move, we will have had some time to get over it and get ready for a new ward.

Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, we will definitely have to adjust to the new change.

One good thing from all of this: we are no longer Sunbeam teachers!!!

Caring

A blessing and a curse.

A blessing? When you care enough about something, you want to change to be better. For example, if I care about being a good wife, I want to change myself so I can be a good wife. If I care about being a good teacher, I will do what I can to make myself better, to change and mold myself to be the best I can be.

The curse? Maybe perfectionism is my curse, but caring becomes a curse because I can care too much. Care so much that it gets overwhelming and discouraging because I know I can't ever be that perfect someone that I so desperately care to be.

Regardless of the fact that caring is both a blessing and a curse, I would much rather care than not care. I feel like I am going through one of those times in life when you really learn a lot about yourself in a short amount of time. I've learned that depression comes quickly for me when I don't care about things that I once cared about.

Take teaching for example. This year, I have not cared nearly as much as I did in other years. I blamed this on the fact that I just want to be a stay-at-home mom and my plans aren't working like they should. I blamed it on the fact that my students are so much more capable this year than last, so I don't need to stress about being the best, because they'll do just fine even if I'm not my best. I blamed it on the fact that my team was this, that and the other and I couldn't change them so I might as well join in their negativity.

Depression.

I knew I wasn't happy, but how do you just tell yourself to just start caring. It's easier said than done.

I don't know what changed for me, and that's an honest reflection, but I'm starting to care. I've gotten off of the pity horse and I'm ready to be the best I can be again. Who knows when we will have a baby? Who knows? Who knows how long I will be teaching? I don't know, but I might as well make the most of this experience. Right?

I feel a little overwhelmed and discouraged knowing that I can't be what I want to be RIGHT NOW, but I've got some ideas of how I can change little by little. I understand that I can't be perfect now. I have learned that many times, and will continue to learn that many times throughout my life, I am sure. But, I can try. That's my goal right now: to try. To care enough to try.

The following is a thought that I might not have fully formed into words yet, but it does have something to do with "caring." I'm also not sure where I would put this in this post, so I am writing it as a side-note, I guess you can say.

I care a lot about having a baby, about starting a family. I guess you could say that I care too much. Overwhelmingly and discouragingly too much. Because of this caring, I tried (have been trying) to do whatever I can do to make what I care so much about a reality. You all know I saw an OBGYN for a year, that I'm currently seeing a fertility specialist. I care, so I am proactive. That's just who I am.

The difference? I can't control what happens when it comes to having a baby and starting a family. Only God controls that. The only thing I can control is doing what I'm doing and having faith that it will happen for us. That's it.

With all the other things I care about, I can make these changes, be proactive about changing and I can see those changes become realities. Maybe small realities, slow-step realities, but realities nonetheless. Not so with starting a family. I have no control over what happens with my proactive caring. It's hard. It's trying. It's faith-testing.

But at least I care.

Shocked

Have you ever failed to see what others see in you?

I do that all the time.

Sometimes, it's when Derek tells me I'm beautiful (sorry, sometimes I just have those days when I really don't believe him) or that I'm skinny (I usually never believe him on this one; sad, I know)

But usually it comes from teaching.

It's not that I think I'm a bad teacher. I do think I'm a good teacher. Compared to some other teachers I know, I might even say I'm a really good teacher. But great? I can't see that. I have been to a lot of different classrooms and have observed some teachers do amazing things. I have always thought that I am nowhere near their level of expertise. I figured that someday I might get there, but it wasn't going to be this year, and probably not for many years to come.

But some people at the district have their sights on me. I have somehow made a name for myself that I'm one of THOSE teachers, the really good ones. Even one of the "greats." I'm not really sure I get it.

I have been asked to do something really cool over the next 2 1/2 years. This summer I will go to a week-long training (and get paid $500 by the way :)) on the new common core that Utah (and most states) will be adopting. Over the course of this next year (2011-2012), I will be meeting with the other teachers who were trained with me and we will be planning how to teach the teachers about the new core. We will be gathering material, writing lesson plans and really delving into the core. And, I'll get another $500! The following year (if I'm still teaching that is, which in some ways I hope I am and in others, heck no, but that's another post for another time) we will actually teach the teachers in district meetings. That's right, another fat paycheck to go along with it...

The funny part? My name was one of 7 that were asked to go to represent the 4th grade teachers in the whole district. 7. And 2 of those names? You guessed it. They were two of the teachers that I observed and thought I could never be as good as. What's happening?

I promise this post is not some sneaky way for me to get you to give me compliments about my teaching. I truly am shocked. Utterly shocked. Excited. Flattered. Proud. And Shocked.