New Me

I'm not sure if I have ever told any of you this, but I have this secret obsession with America's Next Top Model...

I know, it's not something I'm proud of, but I'm addicted. Consider this my confession. :)

Anyway, as part of the show, the contestants get a makeover where they get their hair cut, dyed, etc. Its really funny to watch some of the girls completely break down and cry because of their hair, when usually it looks WAY better than they had it before.

After watching the last episode, I decided that I wanted a change. So...

I dyed my hair today!

It's nothing too drastic. I dyed it red all over and it looks really good. Inside, it just looks a bit lighter, but in the sun, you can really tell that it's red! I tried to get a good picture to upload a "before" and "after" shot, but because the change is really only seen in the sunlight, it was hard to capture it. I figured you wouldn't just want a "before" shot...I'll keep trying to show all of you.

Garden Gnomes

Side note: I had this dream about a creepy garden gnome, and I woke up sweating and hyperventilating. I think I might be going through a mid-life crisis, what with my conclusions about myself and my freaky dreams about gnomes...:) Just thought you all should know...

Conclusions

I have come to a conclusion about myself over the last several days, and I'm not so sure it's a good one.

I don't know if my struggle to "find myself" was any worse than any other teenager out there, but when I was in high school, I struggled to find out who I was and who I wanted to be. I often called myself a chameleon because I started to act like whomever I hung out with the most at any given time. I would adopt their sense of humor, their tastes in music, their political beliefs, everything. I didn't know what I liked, or even, sadly what I thought about a lot of things. I'm not sure that I even knew the extent of my chameleon-like behavior.

I don't know why I struggled so much with this. It may have to do with the things that I had to deal with at a young age that made me grow up faster than any other normal 9-year-old. It was hard to find things that made me happy because that time of my life wasn't happy. I also think that it has to do with my family dynamic. My brothers have a very unique sense of humor that is extremely witty and sarcastic. If I was to survive my life with them, I had to make myself like them so I could stand up for myself. This went against who I was, so I ended up being that annoying little sister who threw fits and cried until I got my way, another type of person that I knew I wasn't. I had no idea how to find my place even within my family and this was a definite struggle.

When I went to college, I tried my best to change myself to the person that I wanted to be. I was able to do this, to an extent, but I lived with a friend from home, and I think that that hindered my ability to fully change the way I wanted to change.

It wasn't until I met Derek that I started to like the person that I was. He allowed me to find myself through him. It's really hard to put words to this feeling, but it just became a lot easier to be who I wanted to be whenever I was around him. I discovered the sense of humor that really appeals to me, I started to learn how I thought about political issues and I started to use my own brain to decide for myself what I thought about things. (I don't want anyone to think that I never used my own mind, that I never acted like myself; I did, it's just that Derek helped me to become that person instead of sometimes act like that person.)

Derek made me happy. He still does. Every time I am near him, I can't help but be the happiest I've ever been. My mom even told me while we were dating that I was the happiest she had ever seen me. He has done a lot for me and my life to help me be happy.

This is the conclusion I have come to: I am happy when I am with Derek. Now, that doesn't seem like a bad conclusion...until Derek leaves for a fun "boy's skiing weekend" in Montana, or a business trip to Houston for a week. I'm miserable without him. I'm lonely, lazy and pathetic.

So, the other conclusion I came to (the one that is a bad conclusion about myself): I still have not found the person that I want to be. I know who I am when I am with Derek, but I don't know who I am without him. Now, this may seem a little over-dramatic; it was just a weekend trip and a couple days of laziness and loneliness doesn't mean necessarily that I'm a bad person or that I don't know who I am. But, it was an eye-opener to me.

My goal is to find things that make me happy without Derek. Things that I can do, things that make me happy. I want to be happy independent of Derek. I'm so grateful that I have him and that he has allowed me to find happiness, but I need to know enough about myself to be able to be happy when he's not here. I figure that when we have kids, and I stay at home to care for them, I'm going to be alone most of the day, and when the kids are small, they won't be able to talk with me, and I may be a little lonely. I'm going to have to figure out how to be happy before that time so I'll be ready.

I'm going to start by giving myself some alone-time to do things I want to do, even if that just means pondering and thinking about what those might be.

If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment!

Tidbits from the Week

Monday: My Teacher Work Sample, the 50 page paper I had to write in order to graduate from BYU, was due. I felt really good about it, especially because I had had my facilitator look over it and he said it was solid. I had it all printed off except for two pages, which needed to be color because there was a graph.

About 2 hours before it was due, I went to print it out. Let's just put it this way: it took me over an hour to figure out how to print these pages because apparently the Word document did not recognize that there was a graph on the page so it would print the words around it but leave this big blank spot where the picture should be. It took me forever to finally get it all figured out but I did and it all worked out. I went to go put it in my folder and there was too much paper so it wouldn't fit. Luckily, Megan (the other intern) had two identical folders (we needed to print two copies).

Yeah...it didn't fit either. So, I had to take out some of the student work samples that I had put at the end, making the page numbers jump around a bit. At that point, I didn't care because it was due in a few minutes. Megan and I were able to jump in the car and get it turned into BYU in time. Whew! It's done!

Tuesday: I have been getting over a cold lately, but on Tuesday, I sneezed 5 times in a row, more than any other time in my life. Just thought that should be something to record...

Wednesday: I had a really good/hard conversation with my facilitator today. It was good because he told me that only a handful of interns that he has ever worked with are as good as I am. He told me that he would do anything that he could do (letters of rec, etc) to help me get a job next year, and he told me time and time again how sad he and the principal are that they can't keep me next year. (there has been some budget cuts...AGAIN...surprise, surprise, and even though Alpine School District won't be firing any teachers, most schools will lose teachers and they will then be shuffled around to different schools, so if my school is going to be losing some of the teachers that they've had for years, they won't hire me back; it just doesn't make any sense).

The converstation was hard because I realized how hard it is going to be to get a job this year. I have heard all year (from my principal, facilitator, BYU CFA) that it won't be hard for me to get a job because I'm a good teacher, but it IS going to be hard to get a job because they just might not be hiring. I know I shouldn't worry yet, but it's hard not to worry and think about all possibilities of what I could be doing next year. I REALLY don't want to sub next year, especially because I have already had my own classroom. If I had student taught, it might be different, but I have already experienced how much better it is this way. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep you posted!

Derek is leaving tomorrow to go on a ski trip with his friend, Ryan. He'll be gone all weekend. There's no school on Friday, but I get to go to a Title 1 meeting and get paid all day, so that will be good. On Saturday, I have a ward activity I can go to and then he'll be back on Sunday afternoon. I'll keep myself busy, but if anyone wants to play, call me up!

What Happens in Cabo Gets Shared on this Blog!

The week was relaxing...occasionally. But, that's the best kind. I felt like we found the perfect balance of relaxing at the beach reading and doing fun, sportsy things.

We got into Cabo on Wednesday afternoon (we left at 7:15, meaning we had to get up at 4:30 to be there by 5:30) and had what most would call a very relaxing day. We sat and read and then went to eat at the most delicious restaurant called The Office. I know right? We thought they should definitely play The Office theme song; they'd get way more tourists at the restaurant! It was a really nice restaurant with the tables and chairs right on the beach so you could dig your toes in the sand while you eat. Plus, the food was incredible. I had the best fajitas of my life! We didn't wait long to get in our suits once we got back to the room and go out in the hot tub. Blissful!

On Thursday, we kind of had a lazy morning, which again, so okay with me! We got in a rental car and drove to San Jose del Cabo, a town close to Cabo San Lucas. We went because we heard it was a hoppin' place, but it wasn't. Maybe that's because we went during Siesta time because all we saw was a whole bunch of Mexicans under a huge canopy in the main plaza just sitting there. It was kind of funny. We walked around a bit and decided to have some lunch. Let's just say that I have never eaten at a place called Dirty Sanchez before, but I'm sure glad we did! It was awesome!

When we got back to Cabo, we got in our suits again and rented Jet Ski's. That was a blast. It was my first time on them but I got the hang of it pretty quick. We drove to the arc that is famous in Cabo, and Gary even drove through it (even though I don't think we were technically supposed to; what a rebel!) Gary and Judi saw hundreds of seals on this huge rock, but Derek and I only saw one. He was this lazy old seal sitting on top of this tiny rock. There was only room for him. I drove around it and tried to get his attention. When he finally stirred, all he did was lift up his flipper and waved at me. It was a pretty special moment in my life! Just as I was pulling away, another seal surfaced about 10 feet in front of me. I almost hit it and I screamed, which I think scared it away! It was a successful first time Jet Skiing if I do say so myself!

On Friday, we walked over to the Marina and swam with dolphins. That's right...we swam with dolphins. Well, one dolphin in particular: Frida! She was a very nice dolphin. We hugged her, kissed her and swam with her. She was very friendly and funny too. She could answer questions by nodding and squealing and she beat all eight of us in a water fight! Plus, she weighed 400 pounds but could still jump 20 feet in the air. It really was fun! We spent the rest of the day doing beach activities and reading some more!

On Saturday, we woke up early and caught a cab to go zip lining. It was a blast. There were eight cables, 400 feet and tons of fun! The longest line was 1/2 mile long and we got up to 50 mph. We did a lot of hiking too! Once you go down, you must climb back up to go down again! We went backwards, tandem, and we even did a running jump. It was a blast!

(Kind of an awkward pose, but cute picture, right?)

(Super Fun!)

As we were hiking up the last hill, Derek saw this white platform/building hanging from the sky, right smack dab in the middle of the canyon. Derek asked one of the guys what it was and he said it was the place the did bungee jumping. Derek got this big grin on his face and we knew he wanted to do it. They all asked if I would do it too, and I said, pretty nonchalantly, "Yeah, I'd like to try that! Sounds like fun!" I said this without really thinking....

Well, we paid for the extra fees to do it and we were on our way. We had to get into this cage of death, as I like to call it, that creaked a lot when it moved. It took us to the platform and when we got there, there was no floor! I mean, there was, but it was made of glass so you could see the 400 feet down to the bottom of the canyon. It's kind of like the Calgray Tower, but the whole thing was made of it, not just a little portion. So, they put the velcro things around our ankles and told us how to do it. Derek went first and he laughed the whole way down.


I screamed, he laughed!

Then, it was my turn. They asked me to put my toes over the edge. What? Are you insane? Completely out of your mind? I put my toes over the edge. They told me that when they said 3,2,1 Bungee, I shouldn't hesitate but just jump outwards, spread eagle. Yeah...right...don't hesitate. Am I human? They asked if I was ready, but my heart was beating out of my chest so I asked for a few minutes (as I read this over again, it seems that I am not sharing how completely out of my mind scared I was. These strangers were asking me to put all of my faith in them and jump out of a platform...hanging from the sky...possibly to my death. Yeah, I was pretty much hyperventilating!) I finally said I was ready so they said the magic words.

3...What am I doing?

2...Have I completely lost my mind?

1...Here I go, bending my knees like I'm really going to jump.

Bungee!

I jump. That's right. I jumped. And I screamed the entire way down. But it was fun! I probably wouldn't do it again. I've done it once; that's good enough for me but I'm glad I did it. It went quickly but it was fun.

(I don't know if you can see the complete look of terror on my face, but it's there!)

So, that was our trip. I read two books while I was there. That alone was worth it! I love getting time to spend reading! Plus, we got some son (my nose is peeling as proof). What more could we ask?

The Best Week Ever!

Let's start with yesterday. I signed up for this class awhile back and yesterday was the first day. It was scheduled to be 8 hours long so I was, in some ways, dreading it. Even though I knew I would like what I was learning, who wants to spend 8 hours the day before Valentine's Day in class. Let me tell you...if every class is as good as this one, everyone would want to spend 8 hours every Saturday. It was amazing. It is a Writer's Workshop class that will help me teach writing better. Writing is one of those subjects that is really hard for me to teach. I just never knew where to start and how to keep it going all year. I really don't think that will be a problem anymore. The 8 hours flew by and I was hoping that it would go longer. It was that good! I came home and Derek wasn't home but when he did come home, he had beautiful roses for me! What a great husband!

This next week is going to be just as wonderful! Tomorrow is President's Day so we have no school! I am planning to get together with another intern to work on our Teacher Work Samples. It's just this really big project that BYU makes all student teachers and interns complete that's not really that hard, just a bit more time-consuming than regular teaching. Most of it I do anyway, but I don't typically write up reports with graphs about results and stuff but it shouldn't be too bad. I also have to spend some time making some sub-plans because I am not going to be at school Tuesday-Friday either. Want to know why?

We are going to Cabo! Cabo San Lucas, that is. We are going with Derek's parents. We leave Wednesday morning so technically I could've taught on Tuesday but I thought, Hey, why teach one day when I could just take the whole week off? So, I did! There aren't too many plans once we get to Mexico, but I am looking forward to spending some time reading on the beach! Don't worry...I completely understand if you're jealous!

Parent Teacher Conferences

Yesterday was a long day!

It was Derek's birthday, but I didn't see him until 7:00 because of parent-teacher conferences. It was good though. In fact, I love parent-teacher conferences. It gives me a chance to tell/remember all the good things about my kids! I had some really good experiences last night. Sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging.

There is one kid who was a struggle for me for about 2 weeks at the beginning of the school year. Once he figured out that I meant business and wouldn't put up with it, he has become such a different child (I wish all my kids were like that...). I was telling him mom this last night and also telling her how excited I was about all the progress he was making. (On the NWEA test, he practically reached all of the goals he set for himself to accomplish by May and it was January.) I told her that I was almost in tears as I watched him light up from the inside (because he's much too cool to show it) when he realized how much progress he had made in 4 short months. After all of this, his mom was beaming. She told me that she used to hate coming to parent-teacher conferences because all the teachers would say to her were the negative things about her son. She told me that all he needs is someone who will put their foot down with him and because I did that, he's making progress. She told me that all of his other teachers could never get a handle on him and that's why he was a behavior issue and that's why he didn't progress. She sang my praises and all I could do is say, "That's my job!" Because it is, right?

Another mom also told me about the struggles that her daughter has had in the past with teachers. Even though I knew, she told me how emotional her daughter could be and that she had been scared of all of her other teachers. When they would give her a test, she would clam up and do poorly because she was so worried about what her teachers would say to her. Her mom told me how comfortable she seems to be around me and how she can tell that she really enjoys me as a teacher (she even said that every time her daughter sees any sort of frog stuffed animal or something, she always asks if she can buy it for me. I had told my class at the beginning of the year that I loved frogs and apparently she still remembers. Even I forgot I told them that...). She told me that she wished that I could have been her son's fourth grade teacher because fourth grade was when he had fallen behind. It just made me feel so good about what I'm doing for these kids. My goal is to help them and to hear first hand that that is what I'm doing really validates me and makes me forget all the bad days I have had this year!

Another thing that I just think is really cool: I asked 2 parents what they thought about putting their children in the Advanced Learners Lab (ALL) next year and 1 parent what they thought about getting their child tested for special ed. You want to know what all three of them asked me? "Well, what do you think?" It was just so weird. They asked me because they really thought my opinion counted. And, I know it should because I am their teacher, but it just hit me like, woah, these parents who are older than me are asking my professional opinion...because I HAVE ONE. It was just funny to me because sometimes it hits me at strange times that I am a teacher...a professional...and parents are looking to me to help them know how to help their kids. It was bizarre. I told Derek this last night and said, "Derek, I'm a teacher...I do parent-teacher conferences!" And he just looked at me and said, "Courtney, you've been a teacher for 5 months. I know. It's not weird for me to know that." Well, it's still weird for me sometimes.

Just thinking that I will forever be these kids fourth grade teacher. Weird!