Conclusions

I have come to a conclusion about myself over the last several days, and I'm not so sure it's a good one.

I don't know if my struggle to "find myself" was any worse than any other teenager out there, but when I was in high school, I struggled to find out who I was and who I wanted to be. I often called myself a chameleon because I started to act like whomever I hung out with the most at any given time. I would adopt their sense of humor, their tastes in music, their political beliefs, everything. I didn't know what I liked, or even, sadly what I thought about a lot of things. I'm not sure that I even knew the extent of my chameleon-like behavior.

I don't know why I struggled so much with this. It may have to do with the things that I had to deal with at a young age that made me grow up faster than any other normal 9-year-old. It was hard to find things that made me happy because that time of my life wasn't happy. I also think that it has to do with my family dynamic. My brothers have a very unique sense of humor that is extremely witty and sarcastic. If I was to survive my life with them, I had to make myself like them so I could stand up for myself. This went against who I was, so I ended up being that annoying little sister who threw fits and cried until I got my way, another type of person that I knew I wasn't. I had no idea how to find my place even within my family and this was a definite struggle.

When I went to college, I tried my best to change myself to the person that I wanted to be. I was able to do this, to an extent, but I lived with a friend from home, and I think that that hindered my ability to fully change the way I wanted to change.

It wasn't until I met Derek that I started to like the person that I was. He allowed me to find myself through him. It's really hard to put words to this feeling, but it just became a lot easier to be who I wanted to be whenever I was around him. I discovered the sense of humor that really appeals to me, I started to learn how I thought about political issues and I started to use my own brain to decide for myself what I thought about things. (I don't want anyone to think that I never used my own mind, that I never acted like myself; I did, it's just that Derek helped me to become that person instead of sometimes act like that person.)

Derek made me happy. He still does. Every time I am near him, I can't help but be the happiest I've ever been. My mom even told me while we were dating that I was the happiest she had ever seen me. He has done a lot for me and my life to help me be happy.

This is the conclusion I have come to: I am happy when I am with Derek. Now, that doesn't seem like a bad conclusion...until Derek leaves for a fun "boy's skiing weekend" in Montana, or a business trip to Houston for a week. I'm miserable without him. I'm lonely, lazy and pathetic.

So, the other conclusion I came to (the one that is a bad conclusion about myself): I still have not found the person that I want to be. I know who I am when I am with Derek, but I don't know who I am without him. Now, this may seem a little over-dramatic; it was just a weekend trip and a couple days of laziness and loneliness doesn't mean necessarily that I'm a bad person or that I don't know who I am. But, it was an eye-opener to me.

My goal is to find things that make me happy without Derek. Things that I can do, things that make me happy. I want to be happy independent of Derek. I'm so grateful that I have him and that he has allowed me to find happiness, but I need to know enough about myself to be able to be happy when he's not here. I figure that when we have kids, and I stay at home to care for them, I'm going to be alone most of the day, and when the kids are small, they won't be able to talk with me, and I may be a little lonely. I'm going to have to figure out how to be happy before that time so I'll be ready.

I'm going to start by giving myself some alone-time to do things I want to do, even if that just means pondering and thinking about what those might be.

If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment!