I'm not sure if I have ever told any of you this, but I have this secret obsession with America's Next Top Model...
I know, it's not something I'm proud of, but I'm addicted. Consider this my confession. :)
Anyway, as part of the show, the contestants get a makeover where they get their hair cut, dyed, etc. Its really funny to watch some of the girls completely break down and cry because of their hair, when usually it looks WAY better than they had it before.
After watching the last episode, I decided that I wanted a change. So...
I dyed my hair today!
It's nothing too drastic. I dyed it red all over and it looks really good. Inside, it just looks a bit lighter, but in the sun, you can really tell that it's red! I tried to get a good picture to upload a "before" and "after" shot, but because the change is really only seen in the sunlight, it was hard to capture it. I figured you wouldn't just want a "before" shot...I'll keep trying to show all of you.
We Are Fami-Lee
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Garden Gnomes
Side note: I had this dream about a creepy garden gnome, and I woke up sweating and hyperventilating. I think I might be going through a mid-life crisis, what with my conclusions about myself and my freaky dreams about gnomes...:) Just thought you all should know...
Conclusions
I have come to a conclusion about myself over the last several days, and I'm not so sure it's a good one.
I don't know if my struggle to "find myself" was any worse than any other teenager out there, but when I was in high school, I struggled to find out who I was and who I wanted to be. I often called myself a chameleon because I started to act like whomever I hung out with the most at any given time. I would adopt their sense of humor, their tastes in music, their political beliefs, everything. I didn't know what I liked, or even, sadly what I thought about a lot of things. I'm not sure that I even knew the extent of my chameleon-like behavior.
I don't know why I struggled so much with this. It may have to do with the things that I had to deal with at a young age that made me grow up faster than any other normal 9-year-old. It was hard to find things that made me happy because that time of my life wasn't happy. I also think that it has to do with my family dynamic. My brothers have a very unique sense of humor that is extremely witty and sarcastic. If I was to survive my life with them, I had to make myself like them so I could stand up for myself. This went against who I was, so I ended up being that annoying little sister who threw fits and cried until I got my way, another type of person that I knew I wasn't. I had no idea how to find my place even within my family and this was a definite struggle.
When I went to college, I tried my best to change myself to the person that I wanted to be. I was able to do this, to an extent, but I lived with a friend from home, and I think that that hindered my ability to fully change the way I wanted to change.
It wasn't until I met Derek that I started to like the person that I was. He allowed me to find myself through him. It's really hard to put words to this feeling, but it just became a lot easier to be who I wanted to be whenever I was around him. I discovered the sense of humor that really appeals to me, I started to learn how I thought about political issues and I started to use my own brain to decide for myself what I thought about things. (I don't want anyone to think that I never used my own mind, that I never acted like myself; I did, it's just that Derek helped me to become that person instead of sometimes act like that person.)
Derek made me happy. He still does. Every time I am near him, I can't help but be the happiest I've ever been. My mom even told me while we were dating that I was the happiest she had ever seen me. He has done a lot for me and my life to help me be happy.
This is the conclusion I have come to: I am happy when I am with Derek. Now, that doesn't seem like a bad conclusion...until Derek leaves for a fun "boy's skiing weekend" in Montana, or a business trip to Houston for a week. I'm miserable without him. I'm lonely, lazy and pathetic.
So, the other conclusion I came to (the one that is a bad conclusion about myself): I still have not found the person that I want to be. I know who I am when I am with Derek, but I don't know who I am without him. Now, this may seem a little over-dramatic; it was just a weekend trip and a couple days of laziness and loneliness doesn't mean necessarily that I'm a bad person or that I don't know who I am. But, it was an eye-opener to me.
My goal is to find things that make me happy without Derek. Things that I can do, things that make me happy. I want to be happy independent of Derek. I'm so grateful that I have him and that he has allowed me to find happiness, but I need to know enough about myself to be able to be happy when he's not here. I figure that when we have kids, and I stay at home to care for them, I'm going to be alone most of the day, and when the kids are small, they won't be able to talk with me, and I may be a little lonely. I'm going to have to figure out how to be happy before that time so I'll be ready.
I'm going to start by giving myself some alone-time to do things I want to do, even if that just means pondering and thinking about what those might be.
If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment!
I don't know if my struggle to "find myself" was any worse than any other teenager out there, but when I was in high school, I struggled to find out who I was and who I wanted to be. I often called myself a chameleon because I started to act like whomever I hung out with the most at any given time. I would adopt their sense of humor, their tastes in music, their political beliefs, everything. I didn't know what I liked, or even, sadly what I thought about a lot of things. I'm not sure that I even knew the extent of my chameleon-like behavior.
I don't know why I struggled so much with this. It may have to do with the things that I had to deal with at a young age that made me grow up faster than any other normal 9-year-old. It was hard to find things that made me happy because that time of my life wasn't happy. I also think that it has to do with my family dynamic. My brothers have a very unique sense of humor that is extremely witty and sarcastic. If I was to survive my life with them, I had to make myself like them so I could stand up for myself. This went against who I was, so I ended up being that annoying little sister who threw fits and cried until I got my way, another type of person that I knew I wasn't. I had no idea how to find my place even within my family and this was a definite struggle.
When I went to college, I tried my best to change myself to the person that I wanted to be. I was able to do this, to an extent, but I lived with a friend from home, and I think that that hindered my ability to fully change the way I wanted to change.
It wasn't until I met Derek that I started to like the person that I was. He allowed me to find myself through him. It's really hard to put words to this feeling, but it just became a lot easier to be who I wanted to be whenever I was around him. I discovered the sense of humor that really appeals to me, I started to learn how I thought about political issues and I started to use my own brain to decide for myself what I thought about things. (I don't want anyone to think that I never used my own mind, that I never acted like myself; I did, it's just that Derek helped me to become that person instead of sometimes act like that person.)
Derek made me happy. He still does. Every time I am near him, I can't help but be the happiest I've ever been. My mom even told me while we were dating that I was the happiest she had ever seen me. He has done a lot for me and my life to help me be happy.
This is the conclusion I have come to: I am happy when I am with Derek. Now, that doesn't seem like a bad conclusion...until Derek leaves for a fun "boy's skiing weekend" in Montana, or a business trip to Houston for a week. I'm miserable without him. I'm lonely, lazy and pathetic.
So, the other conclusion I came to (the one that is a bad conclusion about myself): I still have not found the person that I want to be. I know who I am when I am with Derek, but I don't know who I am without him. Now, this may seem a little over-dramatic; it was just a weekend trip and a couple days of laziness and loneliness doesn't mean necessarily that I'm a bad person or that I don't know who I am. But, it was an eye-opener to me.
My goal is to find things that make me happy without Derek. Things that I can do, things that make me happy. I want to be happy independent of Derek. I'm so grateful that I have him and that he has allowed me to find happiness, but I need to know enough about myself to be able to be happy when he's not here. I figure that when we have kids, and I stay at home to care for them, I'm going to be alone most of the day, and when the kids are small, they won't be able to talk with me, and I may be a little lonely. I'm going to have to figure out how to be happy before that time so I'll be ready.
I'm going to start by giving myself some alone-time to do things I want to do, even if that just means pondering and thinking about what those might be.
If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tidbits from the Week
Monday: My Teacher Work Sample, the 50 page paper I had to write in order to graduate from BYU, was due. I felt really good about it, especially because I had had my facilitator look over it and he said it was solid. I had it all printed off except for two pages, which needed to be color because there was a graph.
About 2 hours before it was due, I went to print it out. Let's just put it this way: it took me over an hour to figure out how to print these pages because apparently the Word document did not recognize that there was a graph on the page so it would print the words around it but leave this big blank spot where the picture should be. It took me forever to finally get it all figured out but I did and it all worked out. I went to go put it in my folder and there was too much paper so it wouldn't fit. Luckily, Megan (the other intern) had two identical folders (we needed to print two copies).
Yeah...it didn't fit either. So, I had to take out some of the student work samples that I had put at the end, making the page numbers jump around a bit. At that point, I didn't care because it was due in a few minutes. Megan and I were able to jump in the car and get it turned into BYU in time. Whew! It's done!
Tuesday: I have been getting over a cold lately, but on Tuesday, I sneezed 5 times in a row, more than any other time in my life. Just thought that should be something to record...
Wednesday: I had a really good/hard conversation with my facilitator today. It was good because he told me that only a handful of interns that he has ever worked with are as good as I am. He told me that he would do anything that he could do (letters of rec, etc) to help me get a job next year, and he told me time and time again how sad he and the principal are that they can't keep me next year. (there has been some budget cuts...AGAIN...surprise, surprise, and even though Alpine School District won't be firing any teachers, most schools will lose teachers and they will then be shuffled around to different schools, so if my school is going to be losing some of the teachers that they've had for years, they won't hire me back; it just doesn't make any sense).
The converstation was hard because I realized how hard it is going to be to get a job this year. I have heard all year (from my principal, facilitator, BYU CFA) that it won't be hard for me to get a job because I'm a good teacher, but it IS going to be hard to get a job because they just might not be hiring. I know I shouldn't worry yet, but it's hard not to worry and think about all possibilities of what I could be doing next year. I REALLY don't want to sub next year, especially because I have already had my own classroom. If I had student taught, it might be different, but I have already experienced how much better it is this way. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep you posted!
Derek is leaving tomorrow to go on a ski trip with his friend, Ryan. He'll be gone all weekend. There's no school on Friday, but I get to go to a Title 1 meeting and get paid all day, so that will be good. On Saturday, I have a ward activity I can go to and then he'll be back on Sunday afternoon. I'll keep myself busy, but if anyone wants to play, call me up!
About 2 hours before it was due, I went to print it out. Let's just put it this way: it took me over an hour to figure out how to print these pages because apparently the Word document did not recognize that there was a graph on the page so it would print the words around it but leave this big blank spot where the picture should be. It took me forever to finally get it all figured out but I did and it all worked out. I went to go put it in my folder and there was too much paper so it wouldn't fit. Luckily, Megan (the other intern) had two identical folders (we needed to print two copies).
Yeah...it didn't fit either. So, I had to take out some of the student work samples that I had put at the end, making the page numbers jump around a bit. At that point, I didn't care because it was due in a few minutes. Megan and I were able to jump in the car and get it turned into BYU in time. Whew! It's done!
Tuesday: I have been getting over a cold lately, but on Tuesday, I sneezed 5 times in a row, more than any other time in my life. Just thought that should be something to record...
Wednesday: I had a really good/hard conversation with my facilitator today. It was good because he told me that only a handful of interns that he has ever worked with are as good as I am. He told me that he would do anything that he could do (letters of rec, etc) to help me get a job next year, and he told me time and time again how sad he and the principal are that they can't keep me next year. (there has been some budget cuts...AGAIN...surprise, surprise, and even though Alpine School District won't be firing any teachers, most schools will lose teachers and they will then be shuffled around to different schools, so if my school is going to be losing some of the teachers that they've had for years, they won't hire me back; it just doesn't make any sense).
The converstation was hard because I realized how hard it is going to be to get a job this year. I have heard all year (from my principal, facilitator, BYU CFA) that it won't be hard for me to get a job because I'm a good teacher, but it IS going to be hard to get a job because they just might not be hiring. I know I shouldn't worry yet, but it's hard not to worry and think about all possibilities of what I could be doing next year. I REALLY don't want to sub next year, especially because I have already had my own classroom. If I had student taught, it might be different, but I have already experienced how much better it is this way. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep you posted!
Derek is leaving tomorrow to go on a ski trip with his friend, Ryan. He'll be gone all weekend. There's no school on Friday, but I get to go to a Title 1 meeting and get paid all day, so that will be good. On Saturday, I have a ward activity I can go to and then he'll be back on Sunday afternoon. I'll keep myself busy, but if anyone wants to play, call me up!
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