Oh, Summer

I should have known that creating a blog would not cure my inability to write in a journal. Oh well. I still write in here more than I do in my journal so I guess it's still worth it.

A lot has been going on this summer and I guess it's time to start sharing some of it. June was full of meetings and workshops which really helped because I think I may be better off than most other first year teachers.

July has been kind of an up and down month. The district had been telling me since May that they would have my trailer soon...first they said by the end of May, then by the end of June, then by the first of July. It never came. It was hard for me to be doing stuff when I didn't know what my classroom looked like and I didn't have anywhere to put anything, so I waited and waited. Derek and I decided to go up to Calgary for the Stampede because I figured it would be the best time for me because I didn't have anything to do with my school during that beginning part of July so we went and had a really great time for about a week and a half. We went to the rodeo, went up into the mountains which is always a favorite and did other fun, laid-back things for a great vacation.

I got a call while we were up there that my trailer had arrived! I was super excited because it meant that I could set it all up the moment I got home...wrong! Once I got back, my school didn't have the keys because the district hadn't released them yet because there was no power in the trailers yet. So, I had one of the hardest weeks of the summer where I didn't do anything because there was nothing for me to do. So, I slept a lot and got a tad depressed. Anyway, that's the extreme reader's digest version. I got into my trailer last Tuesday and have seriously been working ever since to get things done in there. The one problem I face now is that the room doesn't have any storage space. So, I have a lot of stuff in the middle of the room and nowhere to put it. But, I have gotten a lot of bulletin boards up and I feel like I've made some progress.

The best part of it all though...is that there is a large, black pole directly in the middle of the classroom. Directly in the middle of the classroom! HA! Who has ever had to deal with a pole in the middle of their class before? I've never seen it but it has actually been quite fun because lots of people have been giving me all sorts of suggestions on how to use it. Currently, I am thinking of painting it (if my principal allows, of course) and turning it into a thermometer. That way, when I am teaching temperature, we can use a real thermometer to tell the temp., but then the kids can all visually see it on the pole that is so conveniently placed in the center of the room! :)

So, life is pretty good right now. I need to get this room done this week because starting next week, I will be busy with other school responsibilities so I won't have much more time. I'll try and post some pictures of the classroom so everyone can see! (And, maybe I'll finally post some of our new house too!) Well, that's all for now!

Just Catching Up

It's been awhile! A lot has happened since my last post. I finished with the kindergarten, and as much as I complained and had a hard time with that month of my life, I really do miss the kids. In fact, I just had a dream about them last night. They are super sweet! Yesterday, I was at the school and I saw one of the kids (they have free breakfast and lunch for the kids enrolled in the school all summer long!) that gave me a really hard time. It was so funny though because when he saw me, he got really excited and smiled as he waved frantically at me! As I smiled and waved back, I was thinking, "Do you not remember how defiant you were to me and how much you NEVER listened to me?" It's funny because even though he gave me such a hard time, I enjoyed seeing him. There have been kids that I have worked with in the past that when I see them again, I look the other way and hope they didn't see me, but with these kids, even though they were so difficult, I could never blame them because I knew too much about them and their situations. It truly was a wonderful experience!

We moved! We are now residents of Pleasant Grove, UT, which is one step closer out of Utah! Yay! It has been nice not being in the Provo scene and surprisingly, it feels like a very different Utah. I am still excited for the day when we can move somewhere a tad more "normal." I have been wanting to take pictures and post them, but the house isn't in the state that I want it to be in yet. We aren't completely unpacked and we haven't decided where some of our pictures and art are going to go yet, so they are just up against some walls right now. I want to wait until I can get some great pictures! We have loved the extra space that comes with the new apartment. In fact, I am now sitting in the second bedroom at the desk we just had to buy from IKEA because we needed something to occupy the room. It's so nice. We have a dining room, 2 bedrooms, like I mentioned, and the best part: a washer and dryer! I LOVE IT!!! Laundry was so much more of a chore when you had to plan your days around doing it. Now, I can just put in a load whenever I want and I don't have to worry about getting it out the second it's done. Life is treating us well!

I have been going to a lot of meetings and workshops for my job and it has been really fun. This last week has been quite hectic because I had to go to some district meetings on Monday and Tuesday and then the last two days, I have been meeting with my 4th grade team and working on curriculum maps. It has been awesome. Apparently, this is the first year that Title 1 teachers are getting paid for 10 extra days (9 of which are this summer) to work with their teams and other teams at Title 1 schools to become better prepared for the school year. I'm really lucky because with this being my first year, I am having such a great opportunity of getting so much done already. Our team has already made a curriculum map for the whole year (this is just a graph telling ourselves when we will teach each standard and objective from the Utah core curriculum) for all the subject areas! Awesome! Plus, yesterday, we worked on a scope and sequence for math. I now have a list of when I will teach each lesson, each day of the school year! No one gets that done before school so I am really lucky. With the four days we have left to work with each other, we are hoping to get literacy and science to the same point. I can't tell you enough how helpful this will be. All I will have to do is look ahead one week at a time and I will know exactly what I will be teaching and then all I will have to do is plan the specific lessons. Usually, teachers look a week ahead and decide what the will teach first, and then how they will teach it. I am cutting my workload for the year in half by doing it during the summer! Yes!

Anyway, I can't think of anything more to add. Life is serving us well and we are happy at this stage of our lives. Life is fun and I hope it stays that way for at least a little while!

Okay Days

I feel like there are three types of days that I can have while working in the kindergarten. The first is a great day where I feel like everything went as planned and the students were really good behaviorally. I come home feeling energetic and happy. The second is an okay day. There were some issues with some of the students and I had to stop a lot to get the kids back with me and I come home feeling exhausted but I'm not hating life. Then there's the last kind of day: a really bad day, where nothing goes right, the kids are never with me the whole day so I don't get to teach anything and I come home feeling like the worlds worst teacher! Fortunately, I don't have many of the latter. Since I started, I have probably only had one or two of those days. Unfortunately, I also don't have many of the former either, but I have had quite a few. I'm usually having just an exhausted day. You might think that that would make me unhappy, but luckily it doesn't. Even though I am so exhausted and Derek usually finds me asleep after he comes home from work, I still feel accomplished. I still feel like I put in a hard days work and at least some things went well. I'm glad I can have that perspective, especially because this group of kids has been so hard to deal with. If I can just have those okay days, I at least know I am making some sort of difference whether it be large or small. So, all in all, I'm content! Let's just hope I continue having the good and okay kinds of days!

Doubt

Derek and I just finished watching the movie Doubt. I was pretty tired as we were watching it, but I payed close attention because I was drawn to the movie. I didn't really know why because some might consider it a slow moving movie but I enjoyed watching it. When it was over, I was about to say, "that was good, now let's go to sleep." I'm glad I didn't because Derek and I were able to have a great conversation about the movie and I came away thinking it was one of the most thought-provoking and wonderful movies of all time. I love when a movie can speak to me and I especially love that when I'm not paying attention, I have a husband who is in tune enough to help me hear. I know this may seem a little vague, so let me explain.

The movie is not really about plot. If you've seen the previews, you have seen the plot. It is about a nun who is suspicious of what a priest may or may not have done and that's it. I can see why people may think it is boring and unfulfilling especially because you never find out if he really did what he was accused of doing. Anyway, what Derek and I took from the movie was that this woman was so afraid of doubt. It scared her to death, so much so that she felt she needed to control everything around her. She had to show people that she knew without doubt that he was guilty even though she didn't have any evidence. She had to control the situation just as she did the entire religious school. In our opinion she had doubts about everything in her life but she didn't want to admit them. Instead, she tried to stay in control of her own life. I punch this point out over and over again because it is what caused me to have a bit of a breakdown just a few minutes ago.

My kindergartners are full of doubts. They are full of uncertainty. Many don't know if they will go to bed with food in their stomachs. Many don't know any structure at home. Many are being raised by their siblings. Many are being raised by themselves. Many have had to deal with things that I will never have to deal with in my life. Ever. And all of them couldn't have had any control over their situations. They have been put in these circumstances and sometimes it angers me that their parents have done this to them and allowed them to see so much pain. It isn't the kids' fault. And because they are so full of doubt and because they have never been able to control their situations and control their pain, they try and control whatever they can. And that is why there are behavior problems in my class. It's not their fault. I can't imagine what is going on in their five year-old hearts and it breaks my own just thinking about it.

One boy in particular, is the hardest student I have ever dealt with. He throws such tantrums when he doesn't get his way, that he has his own aid that follows him to his two different kindergarten sessions to help him transition and help him with his behavior. I have learned to love this little boy. He is the sweetest child I have ever met. I can see that he needs love so much in his life and the woman who is his aid (in my opinion) is not showing him the right kind of love. Instead, it's the same negative stuff that he hears all the time at home. "You can't do this" "Don't do that" "You know better" Does he? This child is trying to control whatever he can in his life. When he throws tantrums, it's not because he doesn't get his way like some brat kid; it is because he needs to be in control of his life and the only way he can do that is by making his own choices, even if they are small and insignificant. When he "can't" do those things, it just reminds him of his own uncertainties in life. It just reminds him of the pain that has been brought upon him, by no choice of his own. It kills me. I just wish that I could take all of them in and love them and love them and love them. That's what they need the most.

Which brings me to my own doubts. I don't know if I'm a good enough person to give them all of the love that they need and that I want to give them. I find myself getting so frustrated when I'm teaching because the kids are acting so crazy. I get impatient. I never get full-out mean and I have never yelled (yet) but I have gotten stern and that doesn't make me feel good. I feel like the kids need structure and I, as a individual and as a teacher, desperately need structure but more importantly, the kids need to be loved. I haven't found out how to put away my need for structure to focus solely on love. And, I don't even know if that's the answer because like I said, these kids have never had structure so many of them need it. So, what do I do? How do I help them? If they are screaming, getting up in the middle of a lesson, wrestling on the carpet, how do I pay enough attention to the child that needs the love and leave the rest of the class to form a mutiny? I don't know how to balance it. I don't know how to give everything to every child and that is why I feel I am getting frustrated. They are all needy. Extremely needy. And I want to give them what they need, but I don't know how to do that to all students simultaneously, while still trying to keep some management practices (I'm still being observered, you know) and teach them the things they will need to succeed for the rest of their lives! How do you do that?

I love teaching. But, this aspect of teaching is the most difficult part. When you teach kids, you teach people. And, many of them are much more adult than I am in their personal experiences. I want to help all of them. But, am I asking to be superwoman? Or is that something that I can truly accomplish? My mind is jumbled and my heart is also. I love those kids and I pray with all of my heart that they are being watched over and protected. That they will be given comfort and love by our Savior and that their lives will prove much more certain than their childhoods have.

Spoke Too Soon?

Well, we all knew the bragging couldn't last THAT long...today was a very difficult day. For many reasons. I feel like doctors and parents put way too many normal kids on ADHD medicine, but there is one kid in my class who severely, severely needs it. I was told that he is on the medication but he is still one of the hardest kids in class to deal with. Today was a whole other story...and it's because he didn't take his medicine! I have never heard a child scream so loud in my life and throw such tantrums just because someone asked him to sit criss-cross applesauce (cute little phrase, right?). He was really difficult. To make matters worse, he has an aide that is with him all day and she and I have very different opinions on how we should handle hiim. She is very negative and is always saying "Don't do this" or "You know better than that" or "Do this right now" and he doesn't really respond very well to it. It's not my style to do that so I have been trying to handle it a little more positively by telling him how well he does when he does do well, and by asking him quietly to do something. He is responding really well (besides today, of course, because apparently that medicine helps him a lot!) but his aide keeps telling me that it is because I'm new and also that I am letting him get away with too much and that is why he had such a bad day today. In my opinion, I am just showing the kid some much needed love and that is why he is responding well and the reason he had such a horrible day is because he literally couldn't control himself. He doesn't have the ability to do so when he isn't on his medicine. And, that's my true opinion. Like I said before, I think that way too many kids are on ADHD medicine for no reason, probably 8 or 9 times out of 10, but this kid, wow, I don't know what I would do if he didn't have his medicine every day!

Anyway, that really only touches the surface of the day, and I'm only talking about Kindergarten. I am also trying to juggle my 4th grade tasks that I am responsible for. It's a hard balance to find especially because I'd rather focus on 4th grade, but my priority needs to be Kindergarten. Also, I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like some people expect me to and they get frustrated when I don't do it right! Anyway, sorry to vent, but, I'm not going to lie, I feel much better!

Some Call It Bragging, I Call It Sharing My Successes!

So yesterday, my cooperating teacher wasn't at school so she had to get a substitute. This meant that I would pretty much take over the class and the sub would just be there to help. I couldn't have been more thrilled. I was really nervous, too, because I had never taught a whole day of kindergarten, and especially not with any of those crazy kids! But, it was AWESOME!!! I am still not sure if I am just going through a honeymoon phase with these kids but they were really good for me. They weren't perfect, and I would never expect them to be, but I felt like they listened to me better than their own teacher. After the day was over, the sub told me that she had never seen the class behave so well and she has substituted the class a lot over the year. I was really excited because it made me feel so good about my teaching abilities. I never thought that I would like teaching kindergarten, but being successful at it makes me feel like I could do it if I needed to. It's still not my first choice because I still don't like the "baby-sitting" aspect of it, but I love being in front of a class. And, for the first time, I loved being in front of a kindergarten class! The feeling is wonderful!

I just want to say that I love those kids. I have only known them for four days, and some of them are really hard to deal with, but I have found out so much about myself in such a short amount of time because of these kids. They have such sad, sad stories and knowing this about them makes it so easy to love them. Even when I have to discipline them, I find myself smiling or hugging them two seconds later because they are such wonderful kids. I have learned a lot about the balance that you have to have between patience and love and it had been such a wonderful experience. I think that it will definitely help me to be a better 4th grade teacher because even though I won't have to deal with as many "baby-sitting behavior problems" I will still have to discipline the students but having love and patience will make my year so much better and it will also be better for my students.

Needless to say, I am incredibly excited to start teaching!

Oh, Kindergarten

Today was my second day teaching in the kindergarten! It has already been quite interesting! The kids are completely off the wall! But, you can't really blame them very much because they have such sad backgrounds and stories. Most of the kids have been exposed to drugs, whether it was as a fetus or after birth. A lot of students were put in foster care because parents abused drugs, or even overdosed. And, some have been abused. It breaks my heart to think about all of the things that these 5 year olds have had to deal with in such a short time. Their innocence has been taken away from them and that's not fair! So, there are a lot of behavior problems, which is understandable, but it doesn't make it that much easier. It helps to have that understanding and it helps to remember their stories because it makes it easier to be patient. But, it is still exhausting and it is still hard to have patience when 15 kids are screaming, crying, pulling hair and every other crazy thing that they find to do!

I'm sure I will have much more to write about this subject especially because it is going to be one of the hardest things I do! Until then...