Doubt

Derek and I just finished watching the movie Doubt. I was pretty tired as we were watching it, but I payed close attention because I was drawn to the movie. I didn't really know why because some might consider it a slow moving movie but I enjoyed watching it. When it was over, I was about to say, "that was good, now let's go to sleep." I'm glad I didn't because Derek and I were able to have a great conversation about the movie and I came away thinking it was one of the most thought-provoking and wonderful movies of all time. I love when a movie can speak to me and I especially love that when I'm not paying attention, I have a husband who is in tune enough to help me hear. I know this may seem a little vague, so let me explain.

The movie is not really about plot. If you've seen the previews, you have seen the plot. It is about a nun who is suspicious of what a priest may or may not have done and that's it. I can see why people may think it is boring and unfulfilling especially because you never find out if he really did what he was accused of doing. Anyway, what Derek and I took from the movie was that this woman was so afraid of doubt. It scared her to death, so much so that she felt she needed to control everything around her. She had to show people that she knew without doubt that he was guilty even though she didn't have any evidence. She had to control the situation just as she did the entire religious school. In our opinion she had doubts about everything in her life but she didn't want to admit them. Instead, she tried to stay in control of her own life. I punch this point out over and over again because it is what caused me to have a bit of a breakdown just a few minutes ago.

My kindergartners are full of doubts. They are full of uncertainty. Many don't know if they will go to bed with food in their stomachs. Many don't know any structure at home. Many are being raised by their siblings. Many are being raised by themselves. Many have had to deal with things that I will never have to deal with in my life. Ever. And all of them couldn't have had any control over their situations. They have been put in these circumstances and sometimes it angers me that their parents have done this to them and allowed them to see so much pain. It isn't the kids' fault. And because they are so full of doubt and because they have never been able to control their situations and control their pain, they try and control whatever they can. And that is why there are behavior problems in my class. It's not their fault. I can't imagine what is going on in their five year-old hearts and it breaks my own just thinking about it.

One boy in particular, is the hardest student I have ever dealt with. He throws such tantrums when he doesn't get his way, that he has his own aid that follows him to his two different kindergarten sessions to help him transition and help him with his behavior. I have learned to love this little boy. He is the sweetest child I have ever met. I can see that he needs love so much in his life and the woman who is his aid (in my opinion) is not showing him the right kind of love. Instead, it's the same negative stuff that he hears all the time at home. "You can't do this" "Don't do that" "You know better" Does he? This child is trying to control whatever he can in his life. When he throws tantrums, it's not because he doesn't get his way like some brat kid; it is because he needs to be in control of his life and the only way he can do that is by making his own choices, even if they are small and insignificant. When he "can't" do those things, it just reminds him of his own uncertainties in life. It just reminds him of the pain that has been brought upon him, by no choice of his own. It kills me. I just wish that I could take all of them in and love them and love them and love them. That's what they need the most.

Which brings me to my own doubts. I don't know if I'm a good enough person to give them all of the love that they need and that I want to give them. I find myself getting so frustrated when I'm teaching because the kids are acting so crazy. I get impatient. I never get full-out mean and I have never yelled (yet) but I have gotten stern and that doesn't make me feel good. I feel like the kids need structure and I, as a individual and as a teacher, desperately need structure but more importantly, the kids need to be loved. I haven't found out how to put away my need for structure to focus solely on love. And, I don't even know if that's the answer because like I said, these kids have never had structure so many of them need it. So, what do I do? How do I help them? If they are screaming, getting up in the middle of a lesson, wrestling on the carpet, how do I pay enough attention to the child that needs the love and leave the rest of the class to form a mutiny? I don't know how to balance it. I don't know how to give everything to every child and that is why I feel I am getting frustrated. They are all needy. Extremely needy. And I want to give them what they need, but I don't know how to do that to all students simultaneously, while still trying to keep some management practices (I'm still being observered, you know) and teach them the things they will need to succeed for the rest of their lives! How do you do that?

I love teaching. But, this aspect of teaching is the most difficult part. When you teach kids, you teach people. And, many of them are much more adult than I am in their personal experiences. I want to help all of them. But, am I asking to be superwoman? Or is that something that I can truly accomplish? My mind is jumbled and my heart is also. I love those kids and I pray with all of my heart that they are being watched over and protected. That they will be given comfort and love by our Savior and that their lives will prove much more certain than their childhoods have.

Spoke Too Soon?

Well, we all knew the bragging couldn't last THAT long...today was a very difficult day. For many reasons. I feel like doctors and parents put way too many normal kids on ADHD medicine, but there is one kid in my class who severely, severely needs it. I was told that he is on the medication but he is still one of the hardest kids in class to deal with. Today was a whole other story...and it's because he didn't take his medicine! I have never heard a child scream so loud in my life and throw such tantrums just because someone asked him to sit criss-cross applesauce (cute little phrase, right?). He was really difficult. To make matters worse, he has an aide that is with him all day and she and I have very different opinions on how we should handle hiim. She is very negative and is always saying "Don't do this" or "You know better than that" or "Do this right now" and he doesn't really respond very well to it. It's not my style to do that so I have been trying to handle it a little more positively by telling him how well he does when he does do well, and by asking him quietly to do something. He is responding really well (besides today, of course, because apparently that medicine helps him a lot!) but his aide keeps telling me that it is because I'm new and also that I am letting him get away with too much and that is why he had such a bad day today. In my opinion, I am just showing the kid some much needed love and that is why he is responding well and the reason he had such a horrible day is because he literally couldn't control himself. He doesn't have the ability to do so when he isn't on his medicine. And, that's my true opinion. Like I said before, I think that way too many kids are on ADHD medicine for no reason, probably 8 or 9 times out of 10, but this kid, wow, I don't know what I would do if he didn't have his medicine every day!

Anyway, that really only touches the surface of the day, and I'm only talking about Kindergarten. I am also trying to juggle my 4th grade tasks that I am responsible for. It's a hard balance to find especially because I'd rather focus on 4th grade, but my priority needs to be Kindergarten. Also, I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like some people expect me to and they get frustrated when I don't do it right! Anyway, sorry to vent, but, I'm not going to lie, I feel much better!

Some Call It Bragging, I Call It Sharing My Successes!

So yesterday, my cooperating teacher wasn't at school so she had to get a substitute. This meant that I would pretty much take over the class and the sub would just be there to help. I couldn't have been more thrilled. I was really nervous, too, because I had never taught a whole day of kindergarten, and especially not with any of those crazy kids! But, it was AWESOME!!! I am still not sure if I am just going through a honeymoon phase with these kids but they were really good for me. They weren't perfect, and I would never expect them to be, but I felt like they listened to me better than their own teacher. After the day was over, the sub told me that she had never seen the class behave so well and she has substituted the class a lot over the year. I was really excited because it made me feel so good about my teaching abilities. I never thought that I would like teaching kindergarten, but being successful at it makes me feel like I could do it if I needed to. It's still not my first choice because I still don't like the "baby-sitting" aspect of it, but I love being in front of a class. And, for the first time, I loved being in front of a kindergarten class! The feeling is wonderful!

I just want to say that I love those kids. I have only known them for four days, and some of them are really hard to deal with, but I have found out so much about myself in such a short amount of time because of these kids. They have such sad, sad stories and knowing this about them makes it so easy to love them. Even when I have to discipline them, I find myself smiling or hugging them two seconds later because they are such wonderful kids. I have learned a lot about the balance that you have to have between patience and love and it had been such a wonderful experience. I think that it will definitely help me to be a better 4th grade teacher because even though I won't have to deal with as many "baby-sitting behavior problems" I will still have to discipline the students but having love and patience will make my year so much better and it will also be better for my students.

Needless to say, I am incredibly excited to start teaching!

Oh, Kindergarten

Today was my second day teaching in the kindergarten! It has already been quite interesting! The kids are completely off the wall! But, you can't really blame them very much because they have such sad backgrounds and stories. Most of the kids have been exposed to drugs, whether it was as a fetus or after birth. A lot of students were put in foster care because parents abused drugs, or even overdosed. And, some have been abused. It breaks my heart to think about all of the things that these 5 year olds have had to deal with in such a short time. Their innocence has been taken away from them and that's not fair! So, there are a lot of behavior problems, which is understandable, but it doesn't make it that much easier. It helps to have that understanding and it helps to remember their stories because it makes it easier to be patient. But, it is still exhausting and it is still hard to have patience when 15 kids are screaming, crying, pulling hair and every other crazy thing that they find to do!

I'm sure I will have much more to write about this subject especially because it is going to be one of the hardest things I do! Until then...

Oh Yeah...

Other exciting news that I forgot to mention! I passed the Praxis test!!! I got a 183 and I only needed to get a 150 to pass! I received a "certificate of excellence" because apparently I was in the top 15% of people who have taken the test over previous years. So, that's pretty cool! And, seeing as that was seriously the hardest test ever known to man (because you had to know everything about every subject that has ever been learned in human history!), I feel pretty accomplished to have received such a high score! And, for those of you who know my mom, she passed too! We were both extremely excited. She and I will both be teaching 4th grade next year so it's going to be a lot of fun! A lot of mommy-daughter planning time! Until next time...

DONE!

On Tuesday, April 21, I finished my last final of college life! Well, maybe. I'm not quite sure. I just found out that I have to take a Capstone Seminar during the month of May but since it's not for the entire term and since it's called a "seminar," I'm hoping it just means I have to go and listen to someone talk. Hopefully, I won't have to write any papers or take any more tests! Because I don't know, I like to think that I'm DONE!!!

It's a really exciting feeling for me. I know a lot of people say that they were excited to be finished with school but after awhile, they get a little sad because they loved learning and being in school. I don't really think that is going to happen for me. :) I haven't really enjoyed my schooling because I got so frustrated with professors treating me like a five-year-old instead of teaching me how to teach five-year-olds. I got so frustrated with the stereotypical elementary education majors that were just in school to get married, and ElEd seemed like the easiest way to accomplish that. I felt like school was just a means to an end because it is teaching that I really love. I do love learning, but I feel like I learn so much more from the kids themselves and from my own experiences than I can from someone telling me what it's like. I am just so excited to finally, finally have my own classroom, to teach how I want to teach, to have my own experiences, and to learn from them! I think I will always be a lover of learning, and that's why I will go to workshops and read books to help me be a better teacher, but as I'm doing that, I'll also be given the chance to apply it right away and that's what I'm going to love! So, I'm done with school but I'm beginning something better! I'm done with classes and grades, but I'll never be finished learning! I'm excited for life to start!

Teaching, Teaching, Teaching

Alright, it has been way too long! My excuse is that I have been in a 4th grade class all month and I really haven't had any time to post anything because I have been swamped with lesson plans and complete exhaustion! But, I'm back in classes now so I have a bit more time! Let me tell you a little bit about my experiences this practicum:

I was in a 4th grade class at Bonneville Elementary with a cooperating teacher named Aaron Stevenson. He was a really awesome mentor teacher and I learned a lot from him and his teaching style. But, I must say that I learned much more from my own experiences teaching as well as from the students in my class! It was such a fun experience. I think the best part of the experience was some of the connections that I got to make with some of the students. I will remember two in specific.

There was a boy named Bridjer who was very energetic to say the least. He always seemed to get in trouble because he really couldn't sit still and he was always turning around and distracting other students. One of the first days of my practicum, I brought him over to me and just talked to him. I asked him how he was doing in school and how he was doing that day. He kind of opened up to me and told me that he was having a hard day. I told him that if he has hard days that he should come and see me and we could talk. From then on, I had a really good relationship with him. He confided in me that he often got bored in class so that is why he turned around to talk to the other kids. I told him that I would be okay if he held something in his hand, a toy or something, as long as it didn't distract him or anyone else. He pretty much loved me after that! He thought I was the coolest teacher because I would let him "play" during school! He wasn't the perfect child after that, but I didn't really care: I liked that I had made a connection with him!

Another girl, Eliza, was the type of girl that thought she was too cool for school. She often rolled her eyes at me because she thought she was much cooler than me! I thought it was the perfect opportunity to be silly with her and make her be a ten-year-old! As often as I could, I teased her and joked with her and by the end of the practicum, she was coming up to me and talking to me like I was one of the girls! It was really fun and again, I'm glad for the connection!

After teaching for a month, I realized again how much I really love teaching. I realized again that I feel confident when I am in front of students and I feel like I can actually do it well! I love teaching!

Other big news: I interviewed for an internship and I got a position to teach 4th grade next year! I am so excited. I feel like all of my boring, seemingly pointless schooling is paying off and I will finally get to do what I want to do and that is teach full time in my own classroom. I'm obviously a little nervous because I have never had my own classroom before but I feel somewhat confident that even though I don't know what I'm doing, that I'll learn and I'll learn to do it well!

So, the next couple of months are going to be a bit crazy! Because I got an internship and because I am a elementary education major as well as a early childhood education major, I have to do a student teaching experience in May. So, I'll be in a Kindergarten for the month of May where I will be the teacher in a nother teacher's classroom. I'm excited for it, but since early childhood isn't what I really want to do, I'm more excited to get it over with and teach 4th grade!

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully, I will keep up on this thing instead of having to write a novel everytime!